Seeing Gemma still made my heart stop. Her resemblance to Harry was uncanny. Her smile as she spotted me in the cafe showed her dimples, just like his.
We hadn't talked much lately, Harry and I. We remained friends. . . but at a distance. I still supported his shows that I could go to. He texted me when my album released. It was a strange feeling. . . the person I was closest to in the world somehow seemed like a stranger that I didn't recognize. It wasn't in a bad way, he wasn't turning to a bad person, justdifferent.
I was learning that change was good, at least that is what my therapist told me. But with change also comes mourning because something is always lost in change. I had to mourn the change that Harry was no longer in my life in the same way. We didn't call each other just to see what the other person was doing. We didn't share song ideas or write together. We didn't stay up until 2 a.m. pondering life's biggest questions.
I had to learn new boundaries with myself, what was appropriate and what was too much. Harry and I's lines were blurred our whole friendship. I made sure to not let that happen with new friendships, it wasn't a bad thing, just another change.
It was probably 9 months after the breakup that I finally felt a break through in my therapy sessions. I had come to realize that even with my therapist I was worrying more about her than myself. I just. . . combusted. Literally, I was sitting in the session and just exploded. She let me say everything I needed to say and then let me leave. I thought she was crazy at the time but being able to speak and not have anyone give you advice was exactly what I needed. I was able to get so much off my chest that once I finally talked about it, it didn't hold power over me. The anger and resentment towards Jared just. . . slowly diminished. Sometimes I still would be upset, that was okay, I didn't have to act like it wasn't horrific, it was. But it also didn't hold the same power over me as before. The thing we really worked on after that was how I felt in my own skin.
For five sessions I had to sit in front of a mirror and tell her what I saw. It was all negative. It was all things that I had been told I was, that I conditioned myself to believe.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
On the sixth session she told me to look at myself and tell myself one positive thing I saw.
"Um," I murmured immediately feeling uncomfortable. It was much easier to say the things I disliked.
"Take your time," she was always so soothing.
What did I like about myself? I wanted my hair to be longer. I wanted to lose a few pounds. I wanted to have better eyebrows. I didn't like my ears.
"My smile," I finally said. Ironic, considering I couldn't remember the last time I smiled but that was something I never disliked, I don't know why.
"How often do you smile?"
"I don't know."
She told me to do something that would make me smile more. So, I began hiking. It seems strange, I know. But, getting to peak of my journey always made me proud and I would adoringly look at the view with a smile.
Since those sessions we were mainly discussing what I wanted next. She didn't tell me I was healed, she told me it was a daily choice to choose to find what I loved about myself and love those things. Take the things that are out of my control and don't dwell on them. Take the things I could control and work to make them things I was proud of. She asked me about my dating life which is. . . nonexistent. Being single was good for me throughout the past year and a half, it helped me be okay with myself, to feel comfortable in my own skin. While I wasn't actively looking for a relationship, if something happened to come up I wouldn't be opposed.
"Hi, love," Gemma's hug was always bittersweet, it reminded me of Harry.
"Hi, babes."
"So, tell me how She is doing," I smiled at her mention of Harry's horse. It made me a bit uncomfortable to call her mine. I still had Harry's key to the cottage. He assured me multiple times that He wasn't in LA enough nowadays to ride the horses as much as he wanted. I went to the cottage more times than not. Riding She was another form of therapy for me. Harry and I never crossed paths all the times I'd been there, I think he somehow knew when I was there and just stayed away. The break up was hard for both of us, I think the more we contacted each other the more it hurt because it wasn't the same so eventually we just stopped. We only texted on birthday's and holidays.
"Amazing, such a beauty. I asked the men who work there to send me pictures of her, look," I flipped through a few pictures of She and Gemma smiled. Maybe I treated them like my child but I don't care.
"It's coming up," I expected this conversation but still was stunned by her words.
"I'll be fine," I shrugged taking a sip of my coffee. "It's just another day."
She frowned at my words and sighed, "it may just be another day to the people on the side of us but it isn't for you."
"Gemma, there's nothing I can do to change it. He's gone, it's been 12 years. I," I paused and held my breath momentarily. "I should be over it, I can't let it get to me how it usually does."
"That's not how it works. It's not wrong to be sad, there is no timeline for these things."
"Well last year I did something stupid, so I need to get over it."
"Cash, he still loves you."
I can't do this, not now.
"I can't hear that Gemma, I broke his heart. Me and him are completely different people now," I shook my head pausing. "I shouldn't have called him last year, I won't call him this year."
"Cash, please promise if it get's too much you will call someone, please. You don't get to flip the switch on grief, your dad is gone and it is okay to still grieve him."
I knew she was right, this is probably something my therapist will want to discuss on my next session. You can't put a timeline on grief, that is not how it works. Last year I mistakenly called Harry. I felt so sad and alone, I just needed him to hold me like all the years before. I just needed to be comforted. In that moment I couldn't be strong for myself, I needed him. He stayed the night and left in the morning before I woke up and ironically, I felt worse when he left.
My therapist told it was okay, that I needed help. She taught me that being strong for ourselves is important, in life you need to be able to lean on yourself, But we are also relational beings, so it's also okay to not be strong in every moment and to call a friend when we need it. I needed it in that moment. It showed strength, when we called a friend, and didn't suffer in silence.
I was slowly learning that I was strong. I spent so many years thinking I was incapable of actually being at a place in life where I could be happy with who I was, where I could be comfortable in my own skin. I was finally in that place, it was a daily battle. And I will fight like hell to make sure I don't become victim to my past. Just because I was dealt certain cards doesn't mean I have to let them have power over me.
