Cherry

14. she might just be my everything

***

don't wanna get ahead of myself

feeling things I've never felt

it's kinda hard for me to explain

her personality and everything

brings me to my knees, oh

Harry

Cash was exhausted, I could see it in her eyes but also how she was moving. Everything was at such a slower pace for her right now. I knew when she called me that whatever happened with her mum must have been awful. I had never been a fan of Mary, she constantly belittled Cash and made her feel small. 

I was surprised she called me but happy too. Knowing that despite my big mistake she still wanted me. I know she's worried about how I'll view this, her still being upset but using me to comfort her. I wasn't being used though, she needed me right now and I was happy to put everything aside just to be here for her.

She didn't give herself enough credit, she was beyond strong and I knew this whole situation with her mum was making her go back to dark places in her mind. 

I was, however, very thankful that my lapse in judgement by lying to her didn't mean the end of us. She wouldn't have called me if she wanted to end things. She wanted to work on us. I just hoped I didn't demolish all of her trust in me.

"Sunflower, we're here." I said parking in front of an old diner that she was meeting her mum at. 

"Thank you for doing this with me, I know this isn't your problem but it means a lot." Her words were shy as she spoke and I squeezed her hand.

"I'm here for you, always." Her eyes flickered with uncertainty and I knew she still trusted me but I had a lot of work to do.

She nodded and we got out of the car to go meet her mum.

I knew this would be awkward. I knew this would be uncomfortable. But sitting in complete silence for 15 minutes except answering the waiters questions was painful. Mary had an unreadable expression and Cash had a deathly grip on my hand under the table.

"I should have told you about my boyfriend. That wasn't fair to you, I'm sorry." Mary's words took both Cash and I by surprise. "And, I'm sorry for how I treated you. I guess I never realized the damage I was doing with my comments. I sincerely thought they were harmless, I care about you. I love you, I guess I just didn't show it in the right way."

I knew Cash was stunned silent by her mother's words. I wish I could go into her mind and see what she is thinking.

"It's going to take more than an apology," Cash's voice was laced with 27 years of hurt and Mary could feel it.

"I know, I have a lot of years to make up to you," she smiled weakly. "I don't expect us to have normal phone calls but I would like to call you every now and then. I want to be the mother you deserve, I know I should have been that from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I truly am sorry, I want to be better. So, I want to take baby steps to get there."

Cash nodded and we continued through lunch with minimal conversation. I was a buffer the rest of the time trying to engage them in a light conversation which partly worked. We were going back to LA today and now I just started to think of conversation we needed to have when we got home. 

Cash slept the whole flight, she was so exhausted. This past week has been a lot for her and I hated that I caused part of it. I know I should probably let her rest and wait to talk but we needed to do this and not drag it out. 

When I think back over the years LA became to feel like home once I met Cash. London seemed to be dull compared to the life of the city of angels and it was all because of my angel, my sunflower. 

I drove us back to my place and let her take a shower while I ordered us takeaway food. I was becoming more anxious as I knew she would be done soon and we would have to talk. 

"I shouldn't have lied. I just wanted to forget about it. I want this to work, us to work. I am sorry that I lied and I'm sorry that you don't trust me anymore. I just want you to know I haven't lied about anything else and I would take it back if I could. I never wanted to hurt you and I guess in a small I was trying to protect you but I also just wanted to look good, y'know? I was ashamed of what I did I regretted it as soon as I registered what I had done." I watched Cash as she sat on the couch facing me with her legs folded to the side of her. 

She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. "I know you're sorry. I hate that you lied to me and that some of the trust I had in you is chipped away. It's not completely gone, though. I hate that I forgave you the moment I walked out the door. I hate that I feel like I used you by calling you while I was Nashville. I hate all of that because I fell in love with you again, Harry, and it's not like last time. This time it actually feels like I'm on the edge of the building and I get that feeling in my stomach as I'm falling and it's scary because I don't know if you're going to be my safety net at the bottom. Gosh, Harry, I love you so much more and I didn't know that was possible. You aren't out of the woods yet, lying to me was not smart but I trust when you say that was the only thing. I love you and I don't want to spend another day without you." Her words made me feel multiple things at once. She loves me. I love her. I still made her feel like shit. I still need to earn all of her trust back. But she loves me. 

"I love you, Cash. I had big plans of how I was going to tell you because I wanted it to be special for you but I love you, I'm in love with you and I swear you never have to doubt me or live without me, I want you. All of you. Everyday forever."

She was crying now and I knew this would happen. This past week had been intense for both of us and Cash was strong but that doesn't mean she always has to be strong. She's learning the difference now and it's beautiful to watch. 

"You love me?" She asked with a sad but also happy smile.

"Of course I do, sunflower. I love you more than I did before which I didn't think was possible. I love you," I whispered. 

 She leaned in and kissed me as our tears mixed together. But this was happy tears because despite everything we've been through we're together again.

This is our time.

***

Do you think I'm being foolish if I don't rush in?
I'm scared to death that she might be it

That the love is real, that the shoe might fit

She might just be my everything and beyond (beyond)

Space and time in the afterlife

Will she have my kids? Will she be my wife?

She might just be my everything and beyond