Cherry

2. there's things that we'll never know

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test of my patience

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Harry

I was expecting her call today. She called me last year. Cash was always strong but sometimes she needed to be able to not have to be strong. The past year and a half has felt numb. I was living through Sarah and Gemma's encounter's to her hoping to feel close like I once did.

She's changed, that much I know. I've changed too. I'm more closed off and private. I never blamed Cash for needing to leave, she needed to be able to look at herself in the mirror and work through her past traumas. I just wish I could be there for her. I wish I could I could experience her change and grow into who she is today. 

I don't know if she's been dating. I heard after her last tour she was taking time off of doing her own music and focusing on working with other Artists. She worked with Niall a lot. I think they were becoming pretty good friends. As much I didn't want to be jealous, I was. I knew they would only be friends, neither of them would cross that line. I knew them too well for that. 

In the beginning we talked a lot more frequently, probably once a week, but I think it was doing more damage than good. Having her as close as a text but not physically, hurt. We needed to let this end, she needed to heal. 

I expected her call today because it was the 12 year anniversary of her dad's death and this was a hard day. She always struggled with this time of year, she struggled with the fact that she would never see him again. Sometimes she liked to think that he was still at home, working, bickering with Mary and persuading Grandma to cook for him. She liked to think he still was driving his old beat up truck listening to Johnny Cash. But, days like today she couldn't pretend anymore, reality would crash down, and she would need someone. I was that person for 4 years. 

Her album was still my favorite, I still played it when I missed her. I knew a lot of the songs were about me. A lot of the songs on my album were about her. I just miss her. If I saw her again I wouldn't even know what to do, we had both changed so much. We were different people now.

My mum was heart broken when she came home that night and Cash wasn't there. They met the next day for coffee and when my mum came home she just held me. I think Cash told her everything. My mum adores her, even now she will manage to bring her up in conversation.

I was spending a lot more time in London lately. I told myself it had nothing to do Cash but it did, of course it did. I even wanted to sell my house and buy a new one, one that didn't have traces her. It wasn't out of spite or hate, it just hurt. I was looking at one house that had a private beech about 20 miles outside of LA. It gave me privacy and a fresh start. 

I didn't go to the cottage much, I asked the men who worked there when Cash would normally go and I made sure to not go on those days. It made me happy that she did still go, She was a present to Cash, I wanted her to continue to have a place where she could relax.

I still had the ring in my bedside table. I bought it a week after we started dating. I knew I wasn't going to propose too soon but I was so certain that she is who I wanted for the rest of my life. I still am certain, no matter how much Cash change's or grows I'll always love the person she becomes. 

I glanced at the clock to see it was 5 p.m. She hasn't called, I don't know if I should be relieved or disappointed. I think in some ways I still want her to need me, to want me. Before I could think about what I was doing I was getting in my car and driving to her house. I just wanted to see if she was there. I wasn't going to knock, I just wanted to see if her car was home. 

I saw her and Niall stepping out of her car, don't be jealous, Harry. She gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek before he got into his own car and left. Maybe she didn't need me anymore, maybe it was actually over. If she would have called me today it meant she still wanted me. Maybe things were different now.

Maybe this new version of Cash doesn't need me anymore. If that meant she didn't live in fear of Jared, if it meant she was happy, if it meant she finally loved herself, then I was going to learn to be okay with that. Even though, I needed Cash. I always do.

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there's things that we'll never know

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Harry: