Unreachable Zacharius

41

Chapter 41

Hindi ako makagalaw sa lahat ng narinig. I couldn't believe my own ears. Zacharius is sick. He has a manic depression and he thinks I am the cure to it. He confessed how much he needs me. Lumalabas pang parang ang pag-alis ko pa ang dahilan ng lagi niyang pagwawala.

"I miss you..." he whispered huskily.

"Hindi ko na alam kung maniniwala pa ba ako sayo, Zach, o hindi..." I said, holding on to whatever's left of my anger.

Lumunok ako nang masulyapan muli ang singsing sa kaniyang daliri. Kumalabog ang puso ko nang mapansing may isa pa sa ibaba ng singsing. My heart beated wildly upon realizing that it was our engagement ring. He's wearing it under our wedding band!

"Is this about my past women?
I had numerous flings before, but none of them coaxed me into marriage, Amber. It's you whom I married," he whispered against my skin.

Bahagyang kumislap ang singsing sa kaniyang daliri. Nanginginig ang mga labi ko habang hindi makapaniwalang tinititigan ang kaniyang kamay. Totoo kayang... pinunit niya ang annulment papers at kasal pa kaming dalawa? 

"We both know you were just forced to marry me, Zach. But this is not about that. This is me realizing that maybe you're not really in love with me. Maybe you're just attached," I tried so hard to sound tough.

Iniwas ko ang tingin doon. I bit down on my lower lip. Attachment is always on a deadline. It's like a limbo for real love. It is timed. Maaaring nasanay siya sa presensya ko kaya siya nangungulila sa akin ngayon. Kaya siya nangulila sa akin nang umalis ako. Maaaring mawala rin kaagad ang pangungulilang iyon. It could be just a temporary feeling. Natatakot akong umasa.

I'm still in the process of healing and moving on. One more heartbreak and I will lost it.

"What's the difference?" He asked.

I leaned my back on his chest more. Pinulupot niya ang kaniyang mga braso sa akin. He hugged me tightly while his chin rested on my shoulder. I slightly tilted my head. His nose grazed my cheek a bit and I felt him staring at me closely. Huminga ako ng malalim.

"Love doesn't fall off, Zach. It is timeless. I know because no matter how much heartache you have caused me, I still love you." Pumikit ako ng mariin.

I realized that lying will not help me at all. Lagi akong tumatakbo sa katotohanan. This has been my problem ever since. I need to fix it.

"Yes," tumango ako. "I still love you. I guess it will stay that way forever. Kahit pa magmahal ako ng iba..."

Yumuko ako at ngumuso. I heard him take a deep breath.

"You won't love anybody else in this lifetime, Amber," I heard the slight pang of fear in his voice.

Umiling ako. "Maybe. Pero ikaw, pwedeng-pwede pang magmahal ng totoo."

"But my love for you is true!" He said firmly.

I smiled timidly. Unti-unting kong kinalas ang kamay niya mula sa pagkakapulupot sa aking katawan. Hinayaan niya akong gawin iyon. Tumayo ako at dahan-dahan lumapit sa salaming pintuan ng balkonahe. I clicked its lock and the cool wind blew my hair when I stepped in the balcony. Malamig ang simoy ng hangin kahit alas-kuwatro na ng hapon. It is February and Valentine's Day is nearing. I sighed.

Maganda ang panahon. It is a cloudy day. Dinudungaw ko ang syudad ng may lungkot sa mga mata. Muntik ko nang makalimutan ang pakiramdam ng nasa pinakatuktok ng pinakamatayog na building na ito. I suddenly remember my Christmas and New Year celebration. I celebrated with my family but it felt lonely without Zach. I could still remember vividly how I cried myself to sleep that night because of extreme heartbreak and longing.