Fall "Who wouldn't fall for you?"

EIGHTEEN

I'm now sinking on my own thoughts. Wala akong maisip na maling ginawa ko para mapagod siya. I let myself to be with him even though I don't know what's us.

He said we're just friends. Oo aaminin ko umasa at may kasalanan din ako pero dahil 'yon sa mga ipinapakita niya sa akin. Sa mga ginagawa niya...why does he need to make feel me so special? Friends don't do that. Holding hands? hugging? I'm so in denial that I just let him do that to me. "Kaya ko naman!" "I will not fall from him!" Kinastigo ko yung sarili ko. Akala ko kase kaya kong iwasan. I thought I wouldn't fall. But what happened now?...now I'm crying.

Hinilamos ko yung kamay ko sa mukha ko. Ang sakit ng puso ko. My heart is aching thinking about him. Kahit hindi ako sigurado tinuloy ko parin yung pakikipag kita sa kanya. I can't say no to him because I know in myself I also want to be with him. Nasanay na yung sarili kong lagi siyang nandyan. These past few weeks I've enjoyed being with him. Kaso...paano na ngayon?

Mas lalong kumirot yung puso ko. Napailing ako. Dapat nung simula palang itinigil ko na. Dapat nung una palang hindi na ako umasa...kaso ang hina ko. Ang tanga tanga ko!

Pinahid ko yung panibagong luhang tumulo sa mga mata ko. I look at my legs. I should stand up...I need to stand up...

Ang bigat ng dibdib ko.

I stand up. My knees are wobbling.

Nanikip yung dibdib ko. Nung una palang naman alam ko na. I play with fire, I play with him. Now he wants to stop this. Siya yung unang sumuko sa laban pero bakit parang ako yung unang natalo?

I was walking...floating with my own thoughts. Andaming tanong sa utak ko. Bakit siya sumuko? I want to stop walking for a second and think of the answer to my questions. Bakit biglaan naman ata? Bakit parang ang bilis?...Parang nung isang araw lang...

Naalala ko nanaman yung mga araw na magkasama kami. Mas lalong naninikip yung dibdib ko. Bumalik lahat ng alaala ko kasama siya. It's all started under the night view of Quezon Hall. We eat together that night. The next day, we run together and watched the sunrise. I cooked for him. I watched his game to support him. I make him laughed. I make him mad. He makes me so happy. He makes me angry at him. He makes me laughed. He makes me sad. Tears start to fall from my eyes. He makes me cry. Another bunch of tears fall from my eyes. Parang pinipiga yung puso ko habang inaalala lahat ng nangyari kasama siya.

I remember the times we spent together on those drives in his car. I remember I sang for him. The days we spent together feels like a dream...now it will be just in my dream. I look up to stop my tears from falling. Patuloy yung pagkirot ng puso ko.

Stop Autumn! Tama na...huwag ka ng umiyak...

The cold wind blew. Hindi ko na nararamdaman yung lamig ng hangin. Namamanhid yung katawan ko. Hinayaan ko yung sarili kong maglakad kahit hindi ko alam kung saan ako papunta.

I want to answer the questions in my head.