Friday night dinner

Episode 5: Bitchface

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Adam came in too all of us already sitting in the living room, watching tv. I squirted cream in my mouth and looked up to him "alright Pussface? Look like you've seen a ghost." Jonny said. "More like a bitch." He said, sitting down. "What bitch face? Don't tell me she was in her Mercedes." I said. "Yes, and almost killed me with it." He said. "Amazing." I said, as Jonny snatched the squirty cream off me and put some in his mouth before I hit him and snatched it back. "Didn't dad used to date bitchface?" Jonny asked as Adam sat Imbetween us. "What?" Dad asked. "Oh yeah. Didn't you used to date bitchface Martin?" Mum said. "Oh well it was only a few dates." Dad said, "a few dates??" Mum said, pissed. Whilst this was happening Jonny and I sneaked out. Then came back in with party poppers and a banner. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY PUSSFACE!!" We both shouted. Adam screamed. Which we found very amusing as we both grabbed his head and kissed him until he pushed us off. "Happy birthday bobble!" Mum said, kissing him. "Martin aren't you going to say happy birthday to your son?" Mum asked him. "What? Oh yes happy birthday bambino:" he said. "Thanks. Was beggining to think you forgot." Adam said. "Right! Well dinner will be ready soon." Mum said, grabbing her crutches from beside her. "Umm what happened to you?" Adam asked. "Got stung by a jelly fish." Dad said extremely loud, which earned a weird look from me and Jonny. "Yes thank you martin." She said. "What's for dinner mum?" Jonny asked. "I already told you I'm not making it!" She said. "WHAT?" We all screamed. "Your father is!" She added. "WHAT!" We said again. "Oh shut up! It's not that bad!" She said, hobbeling over to the kitchen to sit down. "Yes my dinner will be amazing!" Dad said. "Seriously? My birthday dinnner is being made by DAD?" Adam asked. "What do you want me to do!! I'm-" she started: "crippled." I finished. "Thank you jemima." She said. "Pleasure." I added.
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We were all sitting at the table and waiting for dad to make the dinner in silence. "Grandma couldn't make it?" Adam asked. "No she had another fall- bless her." Mum said. Adam made a sad face. "DAD WERE THE FUCK IS THE FOOD WERE ALL STARVING." I screamed. "Jemima!" "Language!" "Jesus shitface!" Came the responses but i shrugged as dad came in with the food. It worked. We all sat down and dad revealed the potato's. "Umm what happened to the other ten of them?" Jonny asked. "Well that's enough for 4 of us!" He said. "Are they even cooked?" I asked, poking one with my knife as dad slapped my hand away. He then revealed the meat which we all just stared at in silence, then moving to stare at him. "What?" He asked. "It looks like one of Wilson's shits." I said. "No it doesn't! It tastes better!" He said, trying desperately to cut into it: and after a lot of struggling, got a tiny piece of and chucked it on Adams plate. He stared at it "wanna get a chinease?" He asked. "No!" Dad said, taking the tiny piece of meat and putting it in his mouth. We all stared as he chewed it then spat it back into the napkin: "yeah let's get a Chinese." He said.
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We were sitting down at the table when my eyes went wide. "Oh no, bitchface is here." I said. "What? Oh shit." Mum said, turning around to look at her. "Oh shite she saw me. Pretty faces everyone!" Mum said as she came over. "Hello, jackie, Jonny, Martin, jemima, Adam..." she said in her bitchy voice, hence the name. She said Adams voice extra spitefully. We all said hello awkwardly then she got into a conversation with mom and told her about how her mother died, it was just after they got the Mercedes. This made me adam and Jonny smile at eachother and try not to laugh. "We drove to her house in the mercades of course." She said. We snorted with laugher and her and mum gave us a glare. "Well we then drove her to the hospital in the mercades." She carried on. We were now giggling and trying to cover it up by staring at our plates. "She passed away but lived a bit longer in hospital, thanks to the very fast speed of the mercades." She finished. We were now silentley wheezing, tears of laughing streaming down my cheeks. After one last glare at us she left and we burst out laughing.
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Turns out dad and bitchfaces husband had accidently swapped coats so we had to go to her house. We were all in the car and mum brought up the covo of them dating again. "For bleedin sake I only touched her breasts a bit ok?!" He asked: we all looked shocked "right out Martin thank you. Kids go with him." We rolled our eyes and protested "why?" We moaned "becuase I'm crippled and we all know your father can't be trusted on his own!" She said. We agreed, got out and knocked on the door . She opened it, looking pissed as ever. We smiled awkwardly. Don't laugh jemima don't laugh. She shoved the coat in dads face and he gave her his and then we walked back to the car and got in. Mum waved at her and smiled. "Oh my god why's she still looking, drive Martin just drive!" Mum said. Dad quickly drove and accidentally pressed the wrong pedal, sending us back wards, straight into the mercades. We went forward again and looked in shock as she cried and went over. "THE MERCADES!' She sobbed. We all looked at eachother and all burst out laughing. "The mercades!" We said, laughing our heads off as she cried and screamed at us.

(Unedited)