100 ways to feel

Chapter : 1

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Sometimes the worst place
you can be is in
your own head .

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I was doing dishes . There was a dim light in the kitchen All you can hear is the sound of running water.
Pin drop silence surrounded me But I'm used to it It soothes my cluttered soul and also calmed down the horrifying thoughts which run in my mind.

My head is full of thoughts Ever you feel so sad or stressed that you think it's unbearable? That if you breathe it will hurts even breathing for your own is challenging and demanding.

The monsters in your head wants you to just end it because you are so tired you even consider doing it , but in the end you have no choice but just to endure and surrender yourself to the  painful sensation.It happend to me all the time. I don't know this feeling.

I can't tell . But it's so tearful, when those thoughts run in your mind.

I don't want anyone to notice me. I want to stay invisible always . I am crestfallen for forever this feeling is never impertinent to me. My heart rips open all the time.

This world is so cruel . I don't want to live this life I never wanted it but I got no choice to tell no .

Caring and valuing for him when I know it will leave me in distress but I can't do anything. My heart is suffering I have to get to used to it now. But I can't. I know I can't .
My heart burn with this intense and intolerable pain.

He is sky and I am just dirt . He is king and I am what I'm just maid for him.
He will never see me beyond his maid. I'm just a damage good for him. A liability to carry all his life .

I just wanna know one thing ...

Am I that bad ????

Why he treat me like shit ??

But it's okay not all girls dream of having happy ending. I never dream of it . I just want these feelings to despair.

Is it too much to ask ???

Today I'm thinking too much have mercy on yourself lily. I washed all the dishes made lunch for him and myself.

Everything was ready . It was time for me to go into my room and never come out . Why ? Because he hates me .
He loathes my existent whenever he see me his mood got worse.
I'm such a disguise and disgrace for him .

He made it clear for me to never comes out of my room. It's his rule and I
Obey him. I have to beside that doing what he told me to do . His happiness is my happiness. I will do anything in my power to make him happy .

I ate my lunch and went to my room. I sat on the floor my back resting against the wall . I look around I have so many
memories in here . This room is my home . I will always be in his debt .
He took care of me when I have no one .

All my life I know I have no one beside him . He never care for me but his existence is enough for me .

I heard the noise of door opening. He is here . My breath got hitch it comes out in soft pants i try to calm my racing heart but it never listen to me whenever it concerns him .

I don't know should I go outside and serve him lunch . But I know I'm not stupid I have to wait until he called me .

"Lily !!!!! ". He called me I stand up automatically its not in me to disobey
him . I fulfil his every demand .
His command is last word for me.