overwhelming [m.h]

[ 11 ]

We kept walking for a while until we reached an empty playground. There, we sat on the swings, as Matty lit another cigarette. I took out my phone and I began to play some music, which I had been previously listening to with my headphones on. Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens began to come out my phone's speakers. I took one deep breath and I spoke once again.

"I think my dad's gonna die." Matty turned to me suddenly, probably shocked over my sudden statement. "He's been in a coma for like five years, but I think my mom is growing impatient and I never go see him anyways." I could finally feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and i felt Matty's hand joining my own. I looked up at him, the cigarette was nowhere to be seen at this point. He stood up and hugged me, as I began to cry. I couldn't stop. The whole idea of losing my father was extremely difficult for me, despite the fact that he hasn't been around in so long. I sighed as I felt Matty wipe the tears in my cheeks off.

"It's gonna be okay, whatever choice you guys make." He said and he pulled me closer into his embrace. I sighed and took a moment to just appreciate his presence. Deep down, I was aware how much my life could change in the span of one month, and I wasn't ready to make so many changes. Life doesn't wait for you to be ready, though.

Matty and I walked back to my house. There was silence along the way, probably because we were both trying to process and acknowledge this newly acquired information. Once we reached the front of my door, I stood there with him for a minute, lightly holding his hand. I rested my head against his chest once again and we waited for a minute. Deep down we both knew he had to go back home, and I had to go inside and face my mum, but we didn't want that.

"How about we go for another walk?" I asked, looking up at him, a small smile lighting up his face. He put his hand on my head, petting my hair.

"We could, but you know you need to go inside and face this." He said, leaning in to kiss my cheek. And so, he took a step back and began to walk away. Without his presence, I began to feel a wave of reality suddenly hit again, until he turned around once more. "You can do this! You're strong!" He said from a distance while he waved at me. I smiled as I felt the tears piling up in my eyes and I waved back. Once he  turned the corner and was out of sight, I sighed and made my way inside. My mum was nowhere to be seen, however I knew she was home because the car was in the driveway. While I was walking to my bedroom, I could overhear my mum sobbing from inside the bathroom, and a wave of guilt hit over me. Despite focusing on how this whole thing had hit me, I didn't even think of how much harder it would be on mum. She needed to let go of the love of her life after all.

"Mum?" I said, while knocking on the bathroom door, there was an array of random noises and then a voice. "Give me a minute, honey!" I took a step back and a couple of minutes later my mum came out of the bathroom with a robe on and her hair wet. It was clear as day that she had been crying, due to her red eyes and nose. She smiled at me, and we made our way to our parents' bedroom.

"Is everything okay?" She asked with a worried look, despite the fact that she already knew why I was talking to her at the moment.

"Yeah, it's just that, well, I think you're right. I think we should go see dad, and talk to him about... this." I could feel a knot around my tummy, suddenly things felt a little less heavy between us, yet the world still seemed to be making everything extremely complicated and depressing.

"Okay, I have some free time next month. We can go then. Maybe you could write him a letter, of what you want to say?" I looked at my shoes. They were white and dirty, and only a couple of uses away from breaking apart. That's how I felt in that moment. I sighed and nodded at my mother's proposal. She put her hand on my knee and I rested my head against her shoulder, and only for a minute I felt like I was six again, and waiting for dad to come back home.

"I'm gonna go to bed now." I said in a choked voice, as I stood up and walked into my bedroom. I closed the door behind me and noticed that Matty had left his black notebook again. I giggled at his forgetfulness and put it by my night table. I took my shoes and my pants off, and I slid into my bed with my phone in hand, ready to play some music and drift into sleep.

The next morning came around and things didn't seem any easier. Wilmslow decided it was the perfect day to be gloomy and rainy, so naturally I paired that up with some comfortable black jeans and a random shirt I had in my pile of clothes on a chair, and just topped everything up with a toasty green hoodie. I looked at myself in the mirror and sighed. Then I took one look outside and saw the rain began to come upon us. I finished my look with some boots and headed downstairs with my book bag.

"I'm heading out, mum." I said, while looking at the floor, when I suddenly hit a taller figure. I looked up and saw Matty smiling at me. I could feel my cheeks suddenly turn a crimson color and I let out a small giggle.

"Morning." He said, with his usual cheeky smile, with just a little bit of ego and self-pride leaking through. I looked in my mum's direction, who just seemed overall proud of herself of allowing me to have this little surprise. In the kitchen, George was munching down some leftover pancakes my mum had made for me. He cleaned himself up with a napkin, just to grab his book bag and join Matty and I in front the door.

The three of us walked out of the house, waving goodbye to my mom, who had a smile on her face for the first time in a while. Matty and I walked with our hands intertwined in a little secret of comfort and calmness, while George went on about how my mum's pancakes were amazing. Although the world seemed to be crumbling around me, somehow, these guys seemed to have provided some sort of stability and comfort that couldn't be replaced.

"So, Mae, we're having another practice day in a couple of days, you and your friends should join us. Last Friday was real fun." Said George as we approached the school grounds. I nodded, as I saw my friends from a distance and waved at them, Sam raising an eyebrow as they noticed my hand intertwined with Matty's, making me blush slightly and look at the ground.

"You nod a lot, I've just realized." Matty pointed out as we made our way inside the building and onto my locker. I let out a laugh, and waved goodbye to George, who joined Ross and Adam elsewhere.

"Guess I'm not much of a talker." I said, as I pulled out my books out of my locker. Matty rested his head against the locker next to mine, as he looked at me with a cheeky smile. I occasionally eyed him while I arranged things in and out of my book bag, and once I was done, I turned my body to him. "What?" I asked, crossing my arms, and making a pouty face, pretending to be adorable, yet only making the me inside of me crawl in pain and second hand embarrassment.

"Nothin'. You ready now?" He asked as he stood up straight, and took my hand once again. I closed my locker and let out a small "yeah", before we made our way into our philosophy class. This time I decided to sit next to him in the classroom, and despite my attempts at paying attention, I kept getting distracted by Matty's occasional comments and paper notes he kept throwing in my direction. At one point, one of said notes hit me in the head, making me sigh in slight annoyance, and I looked in his direction. He was telling me to open it, so I just gave in and opened the damned note. In it, a small array of words made my heart flutter in ways it hadn't before. "You look pretty today." The note said, in Matty's messy handwriting. I hid my face in my book, as I could feel the heat rushing to my cheeks with the speed of a million horses.

I sat straight once again, and I took out a post-it note from my bag, only to write him back a letter. In black ink, I wrote "You look pretty yourself today, sir." and I threw the small, yellow paper in his direction, pretending like it was no big deal to the best of my abilities. I could feel my heart pounding against my ribs, and my concentration flying away. I heard Matty's giggle next to me and I smiled to myself with a bit of pride, after all, I had made him laugh.