overwhelming [m.h]

[ 13 ]

I opened up the notebook, and was greeted by Matty's usual scribbly letters. It seemed like he wrote just about anything there, from letters, to poems, to song lyrics. I didn't take time to read every single thing in the notebook, as it was on its last leg, with only a couple empty pages. And as I reached the last page, I saw the lyrics of one of the band's song which hadn't made its way to my ears. I was about to delve deeper into the song, yet a buzzing sound interrupted me.

It was a call. From Matty.

I quickly put the notebook back in my book bag, hiding it between some other, thicker books. And I stood, picking up the call.

"Hey, where are you? We're waiting for you in the music room." Matty's voice travelled through the small speaker and into my throat, making me stumble around with my words.

"I, uh... I had to stay behind for some help in my English lit class, but I'm gonna make my way there in a minute." I replied, feeling clumsy and already making my way to the music room, with as much speed as I could. I hung up, and processed what I had read. Clearly, Matty was very sensible, and artistic and smart. Yet I didn't feel satisfied with the information that the small amount of reading I had done had provided me, so I felt like, perhaps, with more time, I could find something hidden between the words.

I finally arrived to the music room, where the band and my friends, Sam, Den and Josh were all eating some popcorn and chips they had bought, probably with everyone's lunch money. I smiled at the sight of Ross trying to catch a popcorn with his mouth while throwing it in the air, and I quietly walked inside.

"She's finally here! Little miss studying!" Yelled Sam, making everyone turn around and look at me. I was quickly met with Matty's familiar warm smile, which made my tummy turn, with the guilt of previously invading his privacy setting in. I gave them a small smile and I sat next to Sam and Adam. Leaving quite a lot of space between me and Matty, which I noticed made him a little upset, yet not enough to make a big deal out of it. I gave Sam the look and we both stood at the exact same time, and made our way outside of the music room, making sure no one was following us.

"What is it?" Sam asked worriedly, as they noticed the shifting of my hands and the occasional nail biting.

"Someone else told me to be careful with, you know... I don't know what to do. We've kissed now and I don't know anything about him." I said, quickly replacing my words with my thumb just to focus on biting the loose pieces of nail on the side. I could feel the anxiety rise again, yet my friend's hands on my shoulders helped just a bit.

"Honey, you're supposed to go on dates and stuff to get to know more about each other. That's like the whole point of dating." They said, trying to calm me as much as possible, yet the "but"s quickly made their way through my brain, infecting every possible positive thought.

"I don't even know if we're proper dating, and I've already told him 'bout my dad--" Suddenly, Sam's words interrupted me, as I slipped out the last words in my nervous banter.

"You've already told him about your dad? Woah that's fuckin' big." They said, with genuine surprise slipping through their words. "But that's okay, maybe you need someone to vent those things with." Sam spoke out once again.

"What if it's too much? I don't want to be a bother." I said, my voice shaking, as I felt my knees getting weaker once more. I felt tired of having this pressing feeling on my chest, which had been brought on only this morning.

"Look, if he likes you, he'll get over it, and eventually he'll begin to talk about himself too, you just have to be patient." As soon as the last words of Sam's motivational speech left their lips, the door of the music room opened, and a laughing Matty made his way out. We made eye contact, and he clearly noticed my distressed look, which caused him to quickly drop his smile and walk in my direction.

"Everything okay?" He asked, with certain urgency, looking between me and Sam, over and over again. I quickly needed to come up with an excuse, 'cause I knew Sam was terrible at lying, and what was one more lie, I had already lied once that day.

"I was just telling Sam about my dad, I needed some more input, but everything's okay." He nodded and proceeded to give me a warm hug, which I accepted with heavy guilt weighing over my entire existence. Two lies. It's only two lies. Sam looked at me, and made their way back into the classroom, leaving me and Matty alone. I bit my inner lip, knowing I had to tell him about the notebook, and my worries, yet I couldn't bring myself to do so. A part of me wanted to continue living in this fantasy.

"Let's just go back inside, maybe some snacks will make you feel better." He said as he pecked my forehead and rested his arm over my shoulders. I focused my sight on the ground, not saying anything, and just walking by his side. One more lie, we could be together like this without any issues.

Once we were back inside, I was able to bask, only for the couple of minutes left of our break, in the glory of my friends' laugher and carelessness. Deep down I knew we were all aching for some reason, I didn't know what was the reason for them, yet I knew that there must've been something. At this age, we're all quietly struggling with something. And it all suddenly came to a halt with the sound of the bell, indicating the end of our break.

The rest of the day went by with me occasionally avoiding Matty in the hallways, and overthinking myself to a panic attack in the middle of class. No matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn't focus, and once classes were done, I had to come up with a bright way to avoid Matty and George on the way back home. So, naturally, I made my way into the library. I hid amongst the stories of romance and fantasy in order to avoid my own reality, and soon enough, the clock struck 5 P.M and I was ready to leave. I walked towards the exit of the school, and there I saw a curly haired figure standing, making me stop in my tracks. He turned around and greeted me with a smile that made me clench my teeth.

"What the hell, Mae? I've been waiting for you." He said with a mildly annoyed tone, my sight stuck on the ground, as guilt once again drowned every other feeling I had for the young boy.

"Where's George?" I asked, avoiding once again the question, hoping deep down that Matty didn't continue to wonder about my whereabouts, or the whereabouts of his old, black notebook for that matter, yet I was wrong.

"He got bored after waiting for an hour and left for her home." He said, making me feel even more guilty. I felt guilt twice the size of George. I still wouldn't look at him, it was like my body was actively refusing to allow me to look at him. "Did I say something wrong? You've been weird all day." He spat out, letting his annoyance with me show.

"It's nothing." I said, not satisfying him with my short answer. He stood in front of me, suddenly causing me to stop and look up for the first time all day.

"It has to be something, you're acting all... 'dunno, weird." I let out a sigh and clenched my fists, as I gathered the courage to let the following words leave my mouth.