overwhelming [m.h]

[ 12 ]

After class was done, I had to part ways with Matty as we didn't share any classes for the rest of the day, and we agreed to meet with the rest of the gang in the music room during break hour. I made my way across the busy halls until I reached my next class, and, as per usual, I sat in the front of the class. I took out my books without paying much attention to my surroundings, until someone stood in front of me. It was a tall girl, she was blonde and pretty, really. She carried herself with confidence, like no other. Bit intimidating if I'm honest.

"You're dating Healy?" She spat out suddenly, making me raise my eyebrows. I didn't understand with what authority she just asked people questions around, yet it seemed to be her exuding confidence which allowed her to do that.

"Why?" I avoided the answer with another question. Truth be told, I wasn't very sure what was happening with Matty, I think we were just vibing and seeing what we could do of whatever this was, and I wasn't against it.

"You know he's like a junkie, right? He smokes weed and shit." I honestly didn't know what to do with this information. Even if he did smoke weed, which, by the way, I had never seen him or anyone else in the bad do, there was only so much I could do. He was his own independent person, and he was able to make his own choices.

"Look, honestly, I don't know what you're about, but thanks for the heads up." I said, as unbothered as I could, looking at her roll her eyes and walk into the back of the classroom. For a moment, a mild appearance of concern travelled through my veins. I wondered whether these rumors were true enough to already have enough people tell me about it. I looked back at the blonde girl, she was looking at her phone, texting someone, and then my sight travelled back to the front of the classroom.

I began to spiral, overthinking how much I had rushed things with Matty, and suddenly realizing that the amount of things I knew about him were minimal. Perhaps these rumors were true, what would that make me? If he doesn't tell me if he smokes weed, what else would he be willing to lie about in order to maintain a certain image? I could feel the walls around me getting smaller, and my heartbeat racing, as if suddenly I had become a defenseless pray in a world filled with hungry tigers ready to hunt me. I raised my hand and excused myself to the bathroom. I rushed as much as I could, and once I reached one of the stalls, I broke down. My hands were shaking, and my body had suddenly shrunk. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.

"Mae? Are you okay?" The familiar voice of the blonde girl travelled through the empty stalls and my anxious body. She knocked on the door of my stall, and after realizing I was not going to open up, she sat, with her back against the door. "I'm sorry, didn't mean to make you feel bad, yeah?" I could feel myself getting my feet back on the earth, the anxiety slowly, but surely, going down, until I could feel my heartbeat at a semi-regular pace. "It's just that I've seen you and your friends, and you don't seem like the type to hang around people like Matty." She said, letting out a sigh with the last word. I could feel my body tense up again, just a little though, and suddenly I took a brave step.

"How are people like Matty?" I asked, more to myself than to her, as once again the realization that I knew virtually nothing about him began to settle. I bit my inner lip, just then realizing that it was bleeding a little bit.

"Dunno, party people, drug people. That sort of thing." She let out. I saw her stand up, through the small rear of the bathroom door, and I saw her stand in front of the door. "Look, I'm gonna go back to the classroom now, 'cause if not the prof will think I'm smoking. But just..." She made a pause, almost to asses her own thoughts this time, allowing her confident and prideful persona to take a break. "Be careful, okay?" She said, as I heard her shoes walk out, and the door finally shutting. I bit my nail and stood up against the door. I took a deep breath, as if I was about to bungee off a tall bridge, and I stepped outside. I slowly walked back to the classroom, at this point missing almost half of the lecture due to my anxiety attack, and for the rest of the lecture, my mind wandered off to some random places and images.

Once break hour was upon us, I de-routed from the music room, where I had previously arranged to meet up with my friends, and I walked to the small, empty field behind the schools. In this field, there were a couple of scattered trees, usually occupied by the couples of the school, and once I found one that was fairly far away, and lacking from any couples. I sat in the floor. I sighed once more, as it seemed I had done a million times throughout the day, and I took out a small notebook from my book bag. More specifically, Matty's notebook. I gulped, and I felt the guilt rush over me as I opened the notebook. He had trusted me enough to leave it laying around me, yet I don't think he would be cool with me reading it. Nonetheless, I felt like I needed answers and I wasn't sure I would get them from him, or at least not straight up.