overwhelming [m.h]

[ 14 ]

"I know nothing about you, Matty." I finally said, the guilt still not getting off my shoulders. "For fuck's sake, we've kissed and I know nothing about you. And I don't even know if we're dating, but if we were, how can I date someone who I know nothing about?" The guilt only increased, as I began to analyze the expression in Matty's face. His slight frown, and the sadness that his eyes spoke were a language previously unknown to me.

"Well if it's such a fucking burden I'll leave you alone, yeah?" His sudden, aggressive tone caught me off guard. He turned around and walked away without any other word. I felt my knees weaken and tears welling up in my eyes, and soon enough I was allowing myself to cry in the middle of the street, paralyzed and unable to move from the spot the conversation had taken place in.

Eventually, I arrived home, with my eyes swollen and my throat closing up on me from the anxiety. I threw myself on my bed and allowed myself to be completely drift into a deep slumber, where guilt dreams and nightmares followed an unescapable maze. I could feel my heart beating fast as the image of Matty walking replayed in my brain over and over again.

I woke up. 1:02 AM. I sighed and took out my phone from my book bag for the first time in a couple of hours, and the couple of notifications in the main screen quickly overwhelmed my senses. A couple of Sam, wondering where I was and how I was feeling, one from Matty asking where I was, probably from the time we were supposed to go home, and a similar one from George at the same hour. I shut off my phone and put it back in the book bag, which was knocked over, letting the notebook slip out. How fucking convenient. I grabbed the book with it's proper delicacy and allowed my fingers to travel through the heavy inked letters and the delicate scribbles on the sides. I promised myself I wouldn't read it, and I put in back in the bag.

Next morning, Matty wasn't there at the door. As expected. George, however, was already there, greeting me with a warm smile, one which I could barely reply, as I had spent most of the night either crying or having nightmares. We walked together, silence ruling over anything else for the first time in the whole span of us walking together.

"Matty didn't show up to my house today. Thank god I've learnt to put on my alarm." George said, trying to open up some sort of conversation. I looked down, the guilt appearing once again on my shoulders. I stopped on my tracks, pulling George by the arm, making him stop too.

"Do you think you could give this to him when you see him?" He seemed surprised, as he saw me reach for the small notebook in my book bag. I handed it to him, and he nodded, still a little shocked by the random request. He slid it in his backpack and we kept walking. Soon enough, we arrived at the school gates, and I waved him goodbye as I made my way to the back of the school. I'd decided to ditch, just for today. The headache in my head and the exhaustion in my body wouldn't allow me to pay attention anyway, so it would be better if I just stayed off the classes for a while.

I final arrived at the small tree I was sitting under the day before, and I took out a small book of poems I had stolen from my dad's studio the night before the anxiety catastrophe, and I set myself to another reality far away from mine. However, I was only able to escape the reality for a short while, when I noticed George's tall figure in front of me, with the small black notebook in hand.

"What is it?" I looked at him, confused. He seemed absentminded, so he sat next to me without warning and handed me the small black notebook, which had previously caused me so much trouble.

"Matty told me you should keep this." He said, however, I felt that wasn't the only reason why he was here. "What happened with you guys? Everything seemed fine, and then all of a sudden you begin disappearing and Matty is all grumpy." I felt the guilt all over again. It was a feeling that I couldn't escape, no matter how many worlds I travel through, and no matter how many stories I read, and no matter how many classes I skip.

"Dunno... I guess I just realized how little we knew about each other and how dumb it would be to jump blindly into... whatever that was." I let out with honesty, looking down and picking on the small pieces of plastic that my boot's sole had. I could feel George's look on me and I hid my face between my knees.

"Of course it would be dumb, but that's like the whole charm with relationships and romance right?" His words made my head suddenly rise, I looked at him with certain confusion. "I'm gonna be an asshole and assume you've never had a relationship." He said with a slight cheeky smile, though his statement was completely right. "The thing with romance is that sometimes you just have to trust your gut and jump into it, and you get to know the person as time goes by." He explained to me, slowly but surely, I began to understand what he was talking about, yet it felt a bit late to have this realization.

"You should talk to him." I looked up, as a new, different voice made way through my ear canals and into my brain. There she was, the blonde girl from yesterday. I knew her intentions weren't bad all along, and that, in a certain way, allowed me to be in peace with at least one thing.

"Isn't it too late though?" I asked honestly, looking at the two of them for an answer that I hoped was the one I was expecting to hear.

"Based on the fact that he wants you to have this, I don't think so." George handed me, once again, the black notebook and I sighed. Suddenly the guilt had been washed away by a sudden wave of braveness and calmness, when the book's leather had made contact with my hands.

"What's your name?" I looked up at the blonde girl, flustered by my sudden change in both tone and topic.

"I'm Annalise, it's nice to meet you." She extended her hand and we shared a small handshake, before she shook George's hand. It was the first time I had seen Annalise smile, in between all the small interactions we had before. I stood up, and gave them both a smile, and made my way towards the school building.