Ever since, New York [h.s] AU

55 || WHAT'S GOT YOUR PANTIES IN A TWIST?

I wish it were easy for me to express my emotions without the fear that I might look stupid, or care about the fact that they just might not feel the same. But unfortunately, it was hard for me to do so and no matter how much I wanted to, I know that it could never be me. 

I don't know.. maybe Harry and I are not meant for each other as anyway other than as friends. We were both so different from one another in personality wise. 

But that's what makes this friendship work! My subconscious says. But friendship and a relationship are both so different. I was still trying to cope with the fact that Harry and I had our first kiss way before any of this ever happened, before anything in our lives changed. 

There is a very obvious tension between him and I and it makes me want to grab at my hair. We were all ready in the midst of January, and in a couple of weeks it will be Harry's twenty-sixth birthday and I knew we had to fix things before then. I had no idea what situation we were currently in, but I hope we're still friends.

After that night, he had left my apartment and we have barely spoken to each other. He'd text me from time to time but only to see how each of us is doing. The internet has provided me with information regarding him, and he has been going out for runs quite often.

Ben had been spending his break here with me, and just being in his presence made me feel guilty at the fact that I know I won't feel for him the same as I feel for Harry. Sure, I can get to love him, but settling for someone you'll have in your life compared to someone you've had in your life since you were kids were both so different.

 I know that if Harry and I never work out, I would spend the rest of my life next to Ben. The person that was meant to be in my life. Ben was not hard to love, but I knew that the reason in which I didn't give myself to him in the aspect of loving him, was because deep down I was waiting for a possibility that Harry would see that I wanted him. 

He confirmed to me that he wants me, but when he said that I should say yes to marrying Ben, it broke something in me. I once again, fucked up whatever chance it was for Harry and I to be together. All I had to say was; no, I won't marry Ben, I want you. 

But of course, I didn't.

Harry could've been the love of my life, as opposed to Ben being the love for my life. The love of your life would be the person you loved more than anyone, despite the problems and the differences you had, you still loved them with your all. It's the kind of love that is unforgettable, the love that you so desperately wanted to be the right one.

The love for your life is easy to love, they complement you and there are no longer the problems you had, you know that you're at peace with them. But regardless of how great they are, you can't help but wonder what could've been, even though the love for your life is the right one.

All I wanted was for Harry to walk through my door and claim me as his. That I will not be marrying Ben, and I will fight him on it but I know it would just be for show. I had absolutely no idea on what to do. Ben wants us to work, and if what Harry said about Ben wanting to propose was true, he has all this time to say something before my answer is the end of us.

I should really stop thinking about this situation before I drive myself straight to the looney bin. My attention is taken by a customer asking for an espresso and I quickly jot down their order before I turn to Alice with a sigh. She was busy once again on her phone making me clear my throat to get her attention. 

"Are you surgically attached to your phone or something?" I question as I begin making the orders. 

"It's not my fault my life isn't as exciting as yours, and my best friend isn't a superstar who gets the opportunity to date him but doesn't because she's with an American." She blurts out and I turn to her to see her smiling nonchalantly. 

"Bloody hell," I exclaim. "You don't have to be a little shit about it."

"A little shit would go around telling people she's got a friend who's best friend is Harry Styles." Alice shrugs and I give her an unamused look. "Of course that little shit isn't me. So what's got your panties in a twist?"

She asks, slipping her phone in her back pocket, taking out a muffin to place with the espresso. "I am not discussing my love life with you."

"Ah, so it has to do with your love life."

"It's not your concern, Alice." I say and she rolls her eyes. "Get to work, please don't be on your phone." I say and focus on getting more orders.