I learned something, or rather, remembered something, after that case.
The future is always uncertain, even for a psychic. I had to let go, and stop being afraid of it. I had to do what Sam was doing; living and fighting in the now. But still, I found comfort in knowing my future was in Purgatory, and still I refused to change that.
What I could change, was my attitude. I'd been so lost recently, that I'd lost sight of more than my path. I lost who I was, just as Sam and Castiel were both already trying to tell me.
That had to stop.
It was night in Lebanon. My brother Sam had just lured and imprisoned Rowena in an abandoned old church out in the countryside with the book. I would've come and met her myself, but I was keeping Dean occupied at the bar in town with cards and drinks. I sucked at poker.
Laughing, he slapped his cards down and dragged the crumbled pile of cash to himself. "See? When you don't cheat, you never win," he taunted me.
I polished off my beer and shrugged.
"Or I let you win."
"Liar," he said with a wink, then after a peaceful pause between us in the dull chatter of the bar, he became a little sincere, "this is nice, ain't it? When was the last time you and me went out? Just us?"
"God, I don't know...never?" I replied, really having no clue if we'd ever done this, "But yeah, its nice...I miss you."
"Yeah, you too" he said with a nod, "So uh...You saw Benny, too, huh?"
"Mhm...except it wasn't an illusion," I said.
"Yeah, yeah...you told Sam it was...what do they call it...astral projection?" Dean said curiously, "how is he, anyway?"
I pouted a casual lip, "Fine, I guess. Pretty much the same as when we met him. But kinda...peaceful. He was alright there, ya know?"
I watched him suck on his lip a little sadly into a nod. "Good, good...what did he say to you?"
"...what did he say to me?" I echoed dumbly.
"Yeah I mean...how did you get out?" he asked, "Cause the one I met, wasn't real, and the spell didn't understand that the Mark won't let me die...so I told him that, a-and I ventilated him, and that was it."
I paused to let the server bring us more drinks and waited for her to be out of earshot again.
"Well..." I began quietly, leaning over towards him on my elbows, "I guess I just needed an outside opinion. Since I pathologically don't listen to you guys. And uh...I'm sorry by the way, for the way I've been. I already told Sam but...I didn't know what to say to you..."
Dean raised his drink in gesture.
"Ah don't worry about it."
I furrowed.
"Seriously?"
He took a heavy swallow, gasping out the burn before answering.
"Look, Hazey...in alot of ways, you and me are in the same boat," he began, then pointed at me, "Now I'm still pissed that you're a bloodsucker, ok? But the death wish thing, and the crappy attitude; I get it. Hell, if I could die, I'd be down for that duel. I'm not the one you should be apologizing to you."
My eyes rolled to the side, unenthused to hear any of what was coming next. "Well I am apologizing to you, because you're in more trouble than me and I've been-"
"How long you gonna keep punishing Cas?" he cut me off gruffly.
I blubbered my breath exhaustively through my lips. "I dont know..."
"Its not that I don't get it, I do...I've been pissed at him more times than I can count," he went on, "but I've never went out of way to hurt him like you're doing."
