It was nice, riding in Baby's passenger seat again, especially when her owner no longer made my skin crawl. We were still on edge, considering things that were going on, yet somehow our little bubble inside the car was a place of peace. A hard won peace, after the turmoil between my oldest brother and I.
There was silence at first. But then I asked him to explain what happened. Everything. From the time he beat me and Castiel down and left, to him showing up to find me with Crowley.
It was alot to take it, especially the way he described the Darkness, and her influence on both himself and the world. That virus she set loose unnerved me. On a psychic level. Something told me I shouldn't be anywhere near it. And I confessed to Dean that I felt a similar calmness that was both inviting and terrifying when I was near that baby.
And then it was quiet again, just making our way back to retrieve our brother, who claimed to have cured the surviving townsfolk of that rabid disease.
We couldn't let it stay quiet. Not when we still had so much to say to each other. My rock that I had watched shatter and become sharp and treacherous before my eyes was himself again. And I was human and healing again.
"So uh...fang free, again, huh?" he broke the ice first.
"Mhm," I answered with soft pride, "Cas insisted after we..."
My brother tilted slightly with a raised brow, trying to keep his eyes on the road and still prod me to finish that sentence.
"You what?"
I sighed with a nervous laugh.
"We uh...we're good again."
He grinned sideways, surpised and almost not believing it.
"Really?" When I nodded he slapped the steering wheel excitedly, "Awesome. That's...man, other than the Darkness running around, everything's just...better, isn't it?"
"Sort of," I agreed half heartedly, understanding what he meant but he was forgetting something, "we still gotta find, and fix, Cas."
"And we will," he promised with a full head turn this time so he could look me in the eye, "So you know...don't do that thing you do."
"What thing?" I asked defensively.
"That sad thing. You pout and you drink, and-and you do stupid shit," he explained as nicely as possible.
"I'm sorry, are we talking about you, or me?" I teased, earning a busted smile.
"Okay, fair point, but I mean it. This...this is something we can fix. And thank God for that because there's so much we cant..." At that point, he did the sad thing.
And now so was I.
"Like Charlie..." I brought up without thinking, shaking my head.
"Yeah..."
"Dean, I...I dont know what happened. I mean...I can fight. You know that. Why did I..." I couldn't finish. All I could do is replay that pathetic, short lived fight in my head and wonder how I let myself lose.
"It happens, Hazey, don't beat yourself up," he tried to assure me.
"It doesn't happen to me," I agrued quietly, "Unless..."
"Unless what?" he pressed.
"Maybe I don't wanna fight," I answered in a mumble, twiddling my fingers.
"But you're awesome at it," he encouraged.
"You weren't the only one going dark side this past year, remember? " I reminded him, "and for me...its happened more than once."
"Oh...I guess I get what you're saying," he concluded gently. Dean paused for awhile, just as we were pulling into town to fetch our brother. I felt his heart pity me, and sadden. Some the violence that was pushing me away was at his own hands. Everything in him wanted to agree and tell to give it all up. No more fighting. But he couldn't.
"Look um...We need you, you know? I-I wish you could lay down your arms, Hell, we all do. But ...you gotta do whatever you need to do, to get over it, ok? We don't know what the Darkness walking the earth is gonna mean for us, but it can't be good."
