Livre: One Shots

[18] Here's to silence

They make their way to the secluded roof as a light breeze whips through Karlie's hair. Taylor and her tiny body maneuver into a nook right next to the edge, and she reaches back for Karlie, pulling her close until Karlie is pressed into her back and her chin hovers over Taylor's left shoulder. "Isn't it beautiful?" Taylor whispers.

"Yeah, totally," Karlie says softly, resisting the urge to wrap her arms around Taylor's waist and lose herself to the romance of the moment. Instead she shoves her hands into her pockets and gazes down at the buildings and streets and the traffic pulsing along. Up here, it's quiet and peaceful and full of endless possibilities.

She thinks her favorite moments might just be walking along the streets in the quieter neighborhoods with Taylor's hand tucked into her elbow as they talk about frivolous things or their moments spent up on Taylor's rooftop.

"Hey are you doing okay?"

Taylor's shoulder rises and falls. "Just that...I came to New York thinking that everything would fall into place. And in some ways it has," she concedes. "I mean, things have been great recently. It feels like no matter what I do, it's not enough...and it shouldn't bother me as much as it does but I'm getting ripped apart day in and day out by the media, but then I start to wonder if maybe it means that I really don't have what it takes to make it...that maybe I should lay low for a little while. Leave New York where I don't feel like I'm being constantly watched."

"Okay, just stop," Karlie demands. "You spent the first half of this year doubting yourself, and you're not about to do that for the second half of this year," she points out, sweeping a hand around the singer. "So screw anyone who tells you that you're not good enough. The Taylor Swift that I admire doesn't ever give up. This is what you're meant to be doing, Taylor. I know it and you know it too. You don't need to approve everything written about you all the time." Taylor sucks in a breath, and Karlie sags back against her chair, wishing that she hadn't mentioned that. "I'm sorry," she mumbles.

"I want to be over it," Taylor whispers. "I just...I don't like who they told people I was when I was 'with' them..."

Karlie sighs and pulls the singer closer into her.

"Taylor."

"And I just don't know Karlie... I have been doing this for so damn long. We've been doing this for so damn long but how much longer? I'm not strong enough to deal with this much longer."

"Remember that conversation we had about us once we agreed to this insanity?"

Taylor nods.

"What did we say?"

"One day at a time."

"Exactly and maybe this day was harder. Maybe this day got to us more than the others but it'll be okay. We're taking this day by day okay? It's a marathon not a sprint."

"I'm not a runner."

"Well good thing you're dating one."

Taylor doesn't respond, she's silent as she continues to stare out at the city.

-/-

Taylor's distant. Too distant. Karlie has never seen the singer like this. Whenever Karlie would meet up with Taylor, her blue eyes would normally light up like she's the most extraordinary living being in the world, and when she's with Taylor, she feels special, like she belongs, like she's home. But tonight, all Taylor does is space out. It takes Karlie 3 times to figure out what Taylor wants to order for take out tonight. Taylor doesn't want to cook and Karlie doesn't want to put up with Taylor while she cooks.

Taylor is doing her very best to avoid Karlie the entire time since they've left the roof and it's a whole new level of awkward.

It feels like too much sometimes to Taylor. All the planning and meetings. All the weight on her shoulders. All those expectations. Usually Taylor was just so open. About her goals and hopes for the future they would build. About her desire to help the LGTBQ+ community in her work. About her fears and desires too. Karlie was often in awe with how she wears her heart on her sleeve but right now she is so frustrated at the silence coming from the older girl. Usually communication was clear and open.

Taylor is worried. What if Karlie can't stand the criticism or the hate from people? What if she tires of Taylor's awkwardness around coming out and nervousness? What if Karlie gets tired of waiting?

She looks up as there is a knock on her door, spots Karlie going to open it.

"Thanks Sam." Karlie comes back into the room holding two bags of takeout.

And Taylor sees her smile gently at the singer, and her fears melt away. She's back in this moment, away from the doubts and fears. She isn't alone, and her best is all she can give. And Karlie will be there beside her at the end of the day, ready to remind her that hope is something that can change the universe. One person at a time. One day at a time.

"You wouldn't answer me earlier, so I got takeout from like 5 different restaurants with some of your favorite dishes from them."

Taylor smiles and joins Karlie at the table.

"We can eat in the living room if you want."

"No, it's okay. I'm okay. I would prefer to eat here."

Karlie complies by getting some plates and silverware to dish up on.

The evening is quiet and the tension has all but dissipated.

When Taylor wakes the next day, she feels so immensely grateful that she has Karlie by her side, on the bad days and on the good. Who is willing to emphasize that they're in this together, one day at a time.