Every Missing Piece

EMP31

EMP31

He carried me back on the couch and allowed me to cry on his shoulders until I fell asleep.

Noong nagising ako ay nasa kama na ako ng kanyang kwarto. Hinanap ko siya sa buong kwarto ngunit wala siya. It was already pass midnight. Ilang oras din akong nakatulog.

Wala akong panyapak na lumabas sa kanyang kwarto. Did he leave me here? Hindi ko inaasahan ang kanyang reaksyon kanina. I don't really know what he means by that. We need to clear a lot of things.

Natigilan ako sa hagdan pababa ng second floor. Nakita ko siyang nasa sala, kaharap ang alak. Nakapatong ang dalawa niyang siko sa kanyang tuhod habang nasa ulo ang dalawang kamay. Kumirot ang puso ko habang pinagmamasdan siyang ganon.

He acted like he was done to it, comforting me, a while ago. Na para bang ayos lang sa kanya ang lahat ng narinig niya mula saakin. But seeing him now, I know that he's not okay.

Dahan-dahan akong bumaba habang nakatitig pa rin sa kanya. He wasn't able to feel me because I was barefooted and because he's preoccupied, maybe of everything.

Noong umupo ako sa tabi niya ay doon lang siya nagtaas ng tingin. Mas lalo kong naramdaman ang paninikip ng dibdib ko. His eyes are bloodshot up until now. Walang nagsalita saaming dalawa. He just stared back on my eyes as I did the same.

"For years, I blamed a lot of people because of his death."

Nagulat ako noong bigla siyang magsalita. My lips parted upon hearing it. Hindi ko inaasahan iyon. Noon pa man, hindi siya nagsasabi ng kahit ano sa kanyang pamilya. I figured it was his reason why. Alam ko iyon ang parteng hindi niya kayang buksan sa kahit sino man, kahit saakin, noon.

"He got a lot of things he wanted to do in life, not like me..." he chuckled.

Inalis niya ang tingin niya saakin at agad kinuha ang basong may laman ng alak at tinungga iyon. Hindi ko siya pinigilan. Nanatili akong tahimik sa kanyang tabi. I know he needs it. Sobrang tagal niya na ding inipon ang nararamdaman niya. Ni hindi mo nga maiisip na may dinadala siya sa kanyang kalooban kapag tinignan mo siya.

"He's a good person and the best older brother. Kaya bakit siya pa ang kinuha? Galit na galit ako sa lahat ng naging dahilan kung bakit naagawan siya ng karapatang mabuhay."

My heart clenched painfully. I whispered countless of sorry in my head. Hindi ko iyon maboses sa kanya.

"But I made a lot of realization this past three years."

Muli siyang nagsalin ng alak sa kanyang baso. He carried it in his hand and stared at the alcohol in his glass. Inikot niya iyon na para bang pinaglalaruan ang yelo.

"It wasn't anyone's fault. Not your father nor the ship's crews but ours, his family. Our very fucked up family." pansin na pansin ko ang paglabas ng kanyang buto sa daliri dahil sa paghigpit ng hawak niya sa baso.

"If my parents allowed him to do whatever he wanted to do... if they just let him live the life he wanted with his own decisions and choices, he must have not rode that ship. He would have not died. If I was knowledgeable enough, I should have convinced him more to stay or stop him to go away. I should just tried my best to help him out... he would have been alive now... only if." mahaba niyang pahayag at nilagok ang hawak niyang alak. Malakas niyang binaksak ang baso na kanyang naubos agad.

"It was all because of us." bulong niya at sinandal ang kanyang likod sa couch at mariing pinikit ang kanyang mga mata.

Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman. It was breaking my heart to hear him say all those things and blame himself. But I can't deny the fact that it's not right for me to say not to. I cannot interrupt his process of acceptance and realization. Masaya akong malaman na nagawa niya iyon sa sarili niya. It must be a tough battle against his mind. He's doing well...