Conversations Between Moon And The Sunshine Kid (Mighty Boosh One-shot Book)

The Priest And the Shoreditch Vampire

Synopsis: I had the idea while doing my R.E coursework. This isn't 100% an accurate representation of priests or vampires.

Considering he's a priest, Howard acts a little unholy in this one.

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The sun was just about setting when Howard got home, creeping inside the house and shutting the door.

As soon as he stepped inside he took off the cross necklace that he wore for work. He knew Vince was asleep but the symbol was pretty offensive to him.

He put it in his pocket, just in case.

He took off his clerical shirt, trying to un-priest himself as well as he could, before walking to the bedroom.

As he opened the door he couldn't help but grin.

He knew if the church found out about this he'd lose his job, but seeing Vince like this was definitely worth the risk.

Vince was curled up under a fluffy blanket, cuddling into a pillow. He was smiling in his sleep, his hair messy and face natural.

He also wasn't hiding behind a ridiculous outfit either. Normally Vince would wear shorts, fluffy socks and one of Howard's old T-shirts as pyjamas, and tonight was no exception.

To Howard, Vince had never looked so perfect. He couldn't help but stand there and appreciate him for a moment.

Howard snapped out of it when Vince turned away. He got closer, sitting next to Vince on their bed.

Howard gently pulled Vince into a cuddle to wake him up.

"Mornin 'oward" he mumbled sleepily, cuddling into him but not opening his eyes.

Howard chuckled softly, smiling down at him fondly. He brushed Vince's fringe out of his eyes gently, caressing his face.

"Evening" he corrected.

If the church knew he had a male lover, they'd collectively lose it, but if they knew said male lover was a vampire, Howard didn't even know what would happen.

Vince yawned softly and opened his eyes, cuddling into him.

"How was work?" He asked Howard.

"It was good" Howard smiled softly "I'm settling in with working in the prison now. The inmates take the piss out of me a bit... Well, a lot. But they're just getting used to me, and mucking around a bit."

"If it goes too far, put your foot down" Vince mumbled, "Try not to take what they say to heart, yeah?"

"It wouldn't affect me" Howard reassured him.

"Yeah it would, you're well sensitive." He pointed out.

"I'm not sensitive, I'm an empath"

"That's just posh talk for sensitive"

Howard couldn't help but chuckle "No it's not, little man."

"Whatever you say" Vince mumbled, still cuddled up next to him. "Anyway, you could just take it into your own hands, and be a man of action like you say you are."

Howard grinned, tutting at the comment "I'll have you know I am a man of action, It would just be an unfair advantage, seeing as I'm the chaplain and all."

Vince chuckled "As if they'd be scared of you. They're murderers and robbers, and you work for a 20,000 year old book club"

"You'd be surprised, love. Vicar's often have an intimidating presence"

Vince laughed "As if! Vicars are just creepy grandads that wear weird collars"

"Oi, I'm a vicar, cheeky tart" he laughed, ruffling Vince's hair.

'I don't take anything back" he chucked, cuddling up to him.

"I'm aware" Howard rolled his eyes, but couldnt help but laugh. "So how'd you sleep?"

"Okay, I guess, I keep having these strange dreams..." He said softly.

"What happens in them?" He asked, curious.

"I dont really know, most of it is really surreal, stuff to do with glittery tweed and urban foxes, that kind of stuff." he explained "but last day I had a nightmare about the people finding out about us..."

Howard's face softened "Vince, you know they'll never find out about us" he reassured him.

"I know, but it felt real, you know? Like I was actually there" he said softly

"Vince..."

"I know, it's stupid" He stopped him, getting up "but dont bang on about it, yeah? It's just a dream"

He nodded softly "Alright" he nodded, watching him walk over to the drawer.

"Has anyone said anything about the disappearances?" He asked, opening the drawer and sifting through it

"They've got a team of detectives on it, but nothing's been said yet" Howard explained, sitting back on the bed and watching Vince pick out a blouse and black drainpipes.

Vince pulled off the t-shirt and carefully put on the blouse.

"That's good then" He nodded

"Are you sure they won't find out?"

"Well, I told you, I'm in contact with a shaman. He does god knows what with the bodies in exchange for drugs" he explained, finishing getting changed.

Howard felt a little guilty, nodding "I suppose, but what if it all goes tits up and the bodies are discovered?"

"They won't, Howard. Don't worry about it love" he said softly.

He picked up a hairbrush going to look in the mirror, disappointed when he didnt show up.

"I know" he nodded.

"And why would they even suspect us? You're a priest, and I've been dead for like twenty years"

"Twenty two." he corrected, sitting up"-but I suppose you have a point."

"God, am I really 41?"

"Technically, but I suppose you still present as 19."

"Yeah, I mean, like I still think I'm 19, because I haven't changed."

"Don't say that, that makes me sound like a pedo" Howard chuckled.

"That's because you are, bloody nonce" he teased, grinning.

Howard laughed, grabbing a pillow and throwing it at Vince.

Vince caught it, chucking it back at him "Oi, watch it, pedo"

Howard got up from the bed, walking over to Vince and wrapping his arms around his waist for a second, before grabbing him and picking him up.

"Howard! Get off!" He squealed, clinging to him.

"No" He grinned and kissed him.

Vince laughed, dropping his hairbrush and wrapping his arms and legs around him.

"When you put me down I swear you're fucking dead" he mumbled against Howard's lips.

He chuckled "right" he grinned, kissing him again.