Broken and (Un) loved

Part 8 (Yoongi pov) :

*flashback of earlier this week*

Warning ⚠️: may be very heavy (lots of depressive, suicidal, self harm mentions)

So this week was terrible. My grades were slipping and I had lost my motivation for many things and abandoned them. I didn't give up music but I was not exactly chasing it the same way. My father had called me a worthless shit for not getting a better job or good grades and my boss was on the verge of firing me. On top of that my heart ached for my ex. Honestly, my life was a mess. I would wake and wish to be asleep and drag myself to reach school. I too tired to focus but zoned out to all the feelings I felt and let memories with myself replay and my parents' taunts. I was never at peace. I was reaching a breaking point.

Generally, I was already negative in my mind. All of these added external factors did not do well for me. They were stressing me and making question everything. Was music worth it? Was I going to be anything? I wanted to make my parents proud but that seemed to be a dream now. I just wanted to survive. Just to get by. I wanted to live not to be a caged soul seeing my life as hell.

My parents were not coming home this week. They were going to be out of town to see a relative far away and would be back next week. I thought it would be better- at least I would be free right? No words of theirs to hear for a few days.

Yet, each day their old words echoed in my mind. "You will never be enough" "What a pity you are our son we wish you could at least do half of what kids your age do" "ah, leave Yoongi he is just a disappointment, darling, don't bother just ignore him" my dad's words hit worst when he shittalked you in front of you to others, especially my mother.

Sometimes I could hear my ex laugh at my dreams in music saying I would never make it big and accuse you of cheating. She also said I was never a real man. She deserved better than me. I took another shot of whiskey. It burned for a second but even the pain subsided because it was nothing compared to my pain. Of course, she deserved better than me. My parents deserved a better child. Everyone deserved a better version of me in their lives yet they were stuck with my problematic self. I could feel tears running down. I had been slightly crying while thinking and drinking. It was a lot. I wish I was not fucked up.

There was a sharp sting in my hand and as I looked I saw blood. It was the glass bottle it had broken and a few shards were scattered. I must have been clenching it very tightly and while becoming emotional I broke it. "Great, so worthless, I made a mess ugh" I mumbled. Maybe everyone was right. I was a burden and a disappointment. I was failing in each aspect of life: academically, family, career, friends, and romance. I did not know what I was doing. What was I living for? Before I knew it, my world was crashing- now physically.

I looked at the mess before me. I grabbed a large piece of the broken bottle. It was just glass yet I tried to angle it to see myself. I wallowed in self-pity as I looked and called myself ugly and a fool to my own face. I was honestly overwhelmed with emotions. Before I knew it, I had the piece of glass in my hand and cuts with blood dripping from a wrist. They were small cuts not too big. "Nothing long sleeves can't fix," I thought to myself. I felt dizzy and drained and the alcohol was now hitting in my system along with the blood loss. I felt myself blacking out and before I knew it I was passed out.