𝔼𝕣𝕒𝕤𝕖 𝕎𝕙𝕒𝕥? [ON HOLD]

39

❤️ Warning.❤️
Talk and acting of suicide and self harm
❤️ Please read with caution.❤️

"Do you like me Katsuki?"

I watched as his face went from concerned, to pained, to confused, and then finally, to anger. "No! I would never like you, you bitch!"

I felt my heart sink, and I let my face do what it wanted for a mere second before I put up a wall between me and him.

"Please get out." I said quiet, but without stuttering. He looked at me shocked. "Get out. Now."

He huffed and stuffed his hands into his pockets, "Like anyone would want to be here anyways!"

"Out." He didn't budge, "GET OUT!" I screamed, tears flowing down my face as he watched me. "You're no longer welcome. You just want to toy with my feelings right?.. SO GET OUT!"

I watched again as gritted his teeth and made his way over to a chair to sit down.

"I'm not leaving. Because if I leave you won't let me near you again." This jerk!

"So you want to be selfish?! You're not going to care what I think? You sure aren't my friend. You've made that clear!"

"IM NOT TRYING TO BE SELFISH!" He roared, "I JUST DONT WANT TO FIND SOMEONE NEW!"

"What do you mean someone new?! Someone new to mess with?! Confuse and mentally strain?! Hell I don't even want to see your face near me again yet you're still here!"

"No.. that's not what I mean!" He shouts.

"Then what?! What could you possibly mean?!"

"I don't like you, I like like you! Is that what you wanted you bitch?! For me to step out of my fucking comfort zone and tell you straight up?!"

"Yes! Was that really so hard?! I'm not asking for much!" I watch as hurt unfolds in his eyes, he looks down in shame.

"Yeah." He answers simply. I could almost hear the sleepless nights behind that word.

I lay back down again, hiding my face in the covers.

"Get out." I say one last time before breaking down into tears. He just confessed, I should be happy right? But why doesn't it feel right?

❤️

Is it because I'm weak? Commitment issues? What's my problem?! I might as well be roadkill I'm so useless..

Why am I here?

Why am I living?

Is anything even going to matter in the end of time?

What will I have accomplished when I pass?

Who do I want to be?

Who am I?

Why should I live anymore? Should I just end it?

I felt myself getting quieter and quieter, getting lost in my own mind to not even notice the blonde boy standing next to my bed.

"Lily?" I stop all sound, why hadn't he left yet? And why would he use my name? He never does that, I had assumed he didn't even know it.

"What?" I asked, my brand new voice cracking.

"Why are you so sad? You got what you wanted."

"Take a look in the mirror buddy, then you'll know why I'm sad, angry, confused.. and don't even say 'Me' look deeper than that you asshole."

I hear a 'tch' and then the sound of a door slamming, yelling and cussing, then inevitable sound of a car horn blaring.

All I wanted was to die right then.

I saw no more purpose for me.

I didn't know who I was.

What did I want?

Who am I?

I couldn't bear to sit there. Not after that.

So I sat up. Praying that my dreams would save me rather than scare me this one time.

I want my parents.

I want my parents so much.

This isn't fair.

Why am I here?

What purpose do I have?

Why won't the gods answer my pleas?!

Would anybody care if I was gone?

What if I did go away?

I looked to my right and spotted a sharp object. It was shiny, delicate but fierce. Like the calm before a storm.

Should I do it?

What if I can't stop?

Would I die?

Can I die?

Do I have to ask permission?

My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door, a small petite nurse comes in and hands me my medication.

I take it, and feel myself become tired almost immediately. But the pain of my mind was gone so I didn't really mind.

With that the little lady left with a smile and a wave goodbye. She was nice. But she wouldn't care if I was gone.

Nobody would.

Ever since the USJ my mental health had been declining, but I hadn't thought much of it until now. When I was alone, and sharp things were within my reach.

Maybe just a little cut would do me good?

But what if I can't stop? What if I won't stop? Will I have to see a shrink? Therapist? How much of my dignity has already been lost? How much more could I lose?

Who would miss me?

Nobody. A little voice inside my head said. You might as well cut it all out while you still have the chance.

While I have the chance huh? That's right. When would I ever get this chance again?

I reach over and grab one of the shiny sharp things and run it across my left arm quickly. Red liquid starts pooling from the incision and I watch as it flows down my arm.

Useless.

Burden.

Weak.

Woman.

Toy.

Feelings.

Six. I made six little lines on my wrist. Each one having blood flow differently down my arm. Why couldn't I just be normal?! Why do I have to have the worst luck?!

Tears run down my face.

I already regretted the thing I did.

"Lily?!" I look up to see my red headed brother, "Oh my gods what have you done?!" He screams before grabbing paper towels and wrapping my arm.

"What are you thinking?! Do you know what you could've just made reality?!" I break down in tears, taking in his words.

I could've just killed myself.

"I-I... I'm sorry!...." I cried, "It won't happen again! I swear!.... D-Don't tell my parents!.......... I-I didn't m-mean to!" I screamed, throwing the shiny object away from me.

Eijiro started bawling at the sight of the bloody object, "Never! Under any circumstances! Never hurt yourself again!" He cried. "I can't lose you Sis!"

I wrapped my arms around him, clinging for dear life. "I'M SORRY!" I sobbed. "I'm sorry!" My lids got heavier. "I'm sorry.."

"I'm sorry..."