FIND THE TRUTH INSIDE YOU (Snowbarry)

17. Chapter: This Time You Know It

Barry's pov

After Iris went back to the CCPN, I went back to the Cortex. I was a mess. What should I tell Caitlin? If I told her I really liked her and that I felt something between us, than she would probably, if she liked me back, ask about Iris. But I couldn't tell her I was coward, cause even if it meant something to her, there was no chance for us if I was still with Iris. But If told her the Kiss was nothing, than this would erase every chance of us becoming more as well.
And if she didn't like me back, than there wasn't even a chance.
So many if's. I didn't know what to do.
Maybe I should ask her first about her thoughts on the kiss... no that would be silly too.
She would tell me by herself... hopefully.

I reached the Cortex. Cisco was in there, I also looked for Cait but she wasn't there. I needed distraction. ,,Can I help you with something?" I asked Cisco.
"Sure, you can help with the data, I am constructing a map, with all the places Cicada went"
He answered.
"Okay" I said, walking to the computer.

"How did it go with Iris?"

"Not bad we're trying to figure this out...I guess"

"That doesn't sound to motivated"
Cisco answered.

"I am just tired" I left it to him to interpretate if I meant it literally or because of Iris.
But we were interrupted anyway.

"I couldn't find the pages from last..."

I looked up hearing Cait's voice. She had stopped, seeing me.

"Oh...hi Barry..." She looked back at the tablet in her hand, as if she was trying to figure out what she was actually saying. This moment was awkward. The little glance she gave me, I couldn't figure out what she was thinking.

"Yes?" Cisco broke the  silence and I quickly focused back at the computer, at least I pretented to.

Caitlin found her words again.

"Sorry...I got distracted... What I was gonna say, is that I couldn't find the pages of our work last week. Can you show me were you safed them?"

She handed Cisco the tablet. He tapped a couple of times and gave it back.

"Actually if you both are here we could maybe finish the serum. You both found the clue yesterday, right?" he said now.

"Yes excactly" Cait answered "So there is no need to all work on the serum, there is not to much work left." she said with a sideglance at me.

"Okay, then how about you two finish that?" and I work on the map Cisco said now.

"Yes sure" I quickly answered before Caitlin could.

"Okay..." she muttered and nodded slowly.

she was clearly avoiding me.
I got up and walked over to her.
"So whats the next step?"
I asked.

"We've to do some calculations before we add the last two things" she said turning to the board starting to write something down.

"How about you do the math on this side. The solution for x shows us the amount of Co2."
She said, handing me a pen.
When our hands accidently touched there was something like a little electric shock. She must have felt it too, cause she looked at me for a second but than quickly pulled her hand back and turned back to the board.

Everything seemed so awkward. Usually we talked. Now there was just silence. But there was also a tension. As closer we came, while writing on the board, as stronger it was.

"I need a break, just finish yours" Cait said after ten minutes and just walked out of the room.
"Cait wait" I said, but she had already left the room.
I walked after her, I needed to talk to her.
"What is going on with you guys? You are acting so weird" Cisco asked.
"Later" I just gave back.

Caitlin's pov

I walked down the floor a bit. I had to get out of there. There was this tension I felt near him since the kiss, and there was nothing to break it but leave the Room. Also everything had been extremly awkward. I leaned at the wall, to collect my thoughts.
Suddenly I heart a voice next to me.
"I know you are avoiding me but we have to talk Cait"

Barry... I hadn't heard him come after me.
"I am not avoiding you" I lied.

"Oh really? I know you Cait, and you never take a break after 10 min of working on something"

"Well I did today" I just said.
He ignored it and got back to his question.

"Can we please talk, this awkward silence in there is killing me"

"Okay" I sighed, even though I really didn't wanna talk. I wasn't ready to face the truth. But probably it was for the best.

"Thanks" He said "But not here" he grabbed my arm and pulled me into the supply closet next to us, closed the door and turned the light on. I raised my Eyebrows.
"What? Nobody needs to hear us" He said as an excuse.
"Yeah but a closet? Is Iris even here?
I didn't like it in here, There was no space, we were like 2 feet apart.
"No, but anybody can walk by, I just want to make sure"

I swallowed "Okay however, what now?"
I didn't know were to look. If I looked to long in his eyes, I didn't know how long I could hold myself back until I would kiss him again. We were just to close. So I tried to fix a point at the wall behind his ears.
"Well... so... you probably wonder about the kiss, and... I mean thats why everything is so akward isn't it?" He stuttered. I could tell he was helpless.
Then I realised that if he was gonna tell me now about his agreement or whatever with Iris, and told me that the kiss was a mistake and that he wanted to have everything just like it was before than it was over without me talking about my feelings. It would be me again in the backround doing nothing but endure the pain of all of it.
I looked at him even if I didn't want to.

He continued "You know I..."

Suddenly my brain went off and I interrupted him. Not with telling him all my thoughts. I leaned in and kissed him.
I just couldn't hold myself. And I was expecting him to pull back, because of Iris.
But he kissed me back. I didn't want it to end. But than it stroke me.
I quickly pulled away "stop, you can't do that" I gasped an tried to move away from him.
He looked confused at me "You kissed me" he made clear.
"Yes but you weren't supposed to kiss back I said" I know I sounded crazy.
He looked at me as if I was.
"I know about your agreement with Iris to fix your relationship" I said now.

He sighed, moving his hand through his hair. After a while he just said "It's complicated"

"Wait...I get it, you weren't even gonna tell me the truth..."
I said with disbelief.

He didn't deny.
"Cait it's not that easy ... I..I like you..."

"Cisco likes me to" I gave back.
"And it's not easy? Of course it is you just tell the truth and don't kiss another girl when you try to fix things with your wife, thats not you barry" I know I hadn't done the right thing either, but he should have reacted differently.

I was getting mad at him Why had he talked to me about the video in the first place. Why had he given me all those signals. Why had he kissed me and why didn't he tell me the truth. I felt like he was playing with me.
"You know your are screwing me up again... but the difference is, this time you know it" I said. Than I turned to the door and left the room. I had to.

Maybe I was to rough with him. I know he didn't mean to do those things, but he wasn't also really beeing careful and  considered with his actions. Why couldn'the just tell me the truth about what he felt and what he wanted...
I swallowed when I realised, that I didn't do it either, not even to myself.

I walked back into the cortex, and tried to go back to my work but I couldn't focus. I erased all the wrong things I had written down and dropped the pen in frustration.

"Are you okay?" Cisco asked. I had totally forgotten he was here. Usually with this issue, I would just have told him, I was fine. But I remembered
my talk with Frost. I had to open myself.
And after I had acted quite the oppossite of what I should have acted, I did at least one thing right.
"No I am not okay... care for a talk?"
I answered.

As I promised, one more this week. This chapter was kinda hard to write for me. I hope it's not to halting.

And like I said I am going to be gone for two weeks. But I might not update for some more time, cause I am going to be pretty busy. Sorry for that...