As I Die Awake (Completed)

Chapter 4: REALITY

Reality

Mayroon lamang dalawang bagay na talagang nagdadala ng matinding takot sa akin.

Yung una ay iyong sa tuwing matutulog ako at ang mga guni-guning kasama nito. Yung pangalawa na siya talagang kinatatakutan ko ay iyong sa tuwing magigising ako at malalaman ko nalang na panibagong buwan na naman ng buhay ko ang nawala sa akin.

Just like the last time and the time before that.

It's like nakadikit at nakatira na sa akin ang kamalasan. Masakit mang isipin that almost everyday bits of my life is like stolen from me, pero ano nga bang magagawa ko, walang gamot sa sakit ko at dadalhin ko ito hanggang sa mabulok itong katawan ko sa kailaliman ng lupa. I'll die with this disease even when I'm 20 meters under the ground.

I was not like this before, afraid of something as trivial and ordinary as sleeping.

Ngunit makalipas ang ilang araw matapos ang aking ika-labing walong kaarawan, bigla akong nagkasakit. At imbes na gumaling mula sa sakit na iyon ay mas lalo pa akong nanghina.

I remember skipping 'Romeo and Juliet roleplaying' on our Oral Communication class to catch up on some sleep, umaasa na sa paggising ko ay magiging okay na ang aking pakiramdam. Na just like every teenager ay magiging normal na ulit ang lahat. Na after getting some sleep, you'll just come back to your usual self, living the life at tanging academics lang ang pino-problema.

But the next time I opened my eyes, almost one month of my life had disappeared.

It was my first episode of Klein Levin syndrome. Sabi nila it's supposed to be fun turning 18 kasi nasa legal age ka na. Pero pagtungtong ko ng 18 mas lalo lang nagiging mahigpit sa akin ang lahat, maraming naging bawal at marami ring mga bagay na hindi ko na kaya at pwedeng gawin, masyadong nakakasakal.

KLS is a rare sleep disorder.

It is characterized by recurrent episodes of excessive sleep or hypersomnia, along with cognitive and behavioral problems during wakefulness. The media calls it 'Sleeping Beauty Syndrome', but nothing about my condition resembles a fairy tale. It is more like being trapped sa loob ng isang bangungot na paulit ulit kang dinadalaw. Gustuhin mo man o hindi parang hindi mo na kontrolado ang iyong katawan. There's no beauty when you have KLS, everything is pure torture.

During an episode, I sleep anywhere kasi minsan bigla nalang akong nawawalan ng malay, and fully wakes up after a week or two, minsan umaabot pa ng iilang buwan bago ako muling nagkakaroon ng malay. I only wake up (not fully) twice or thrice a week to eat and use the bathroom.

But even when my eyes are open, my brain is never fully awake. It's like my consciousness is awake on the other dimension that my brain has made. I am dead physically pero mentally gising ang diwa ko, nasa ibang mundo nga lang.

When I am in an episode, I can't do anything: Hindi ko magawang umalis ng aking apartment, hindi ko magawang maligo, o lutuin ang sarili kong pagkain o makapag-isip man lang ng tama kapag nasa ganoon akong sitwasyon. Hindi ako kumikilos o umaasta katulad ng natural kong sarili. I say things I don't mean. Palagi akong gutom pero masyadong nanghihina para kumain.

It's like I'm a prisoner of my own body, as if someone else has fully taken control.

Sometimes I look like fully awake and my whole presence is there, but it feels like I don't exist.

Si Jasmine, isang college roommate ko ang unang tao na nakasaksi sa unang araw ng episode ko. Kahit anong gawin niya hindi niya ako magawang gisingin kaya kaagad siyang nag-panic at tumawag ng ambulansiya. Iniisip niya na baka bigla akong na-coma.

Hindi ko alam kung saan niya nakuha ang ideyang baka na-coma ako.

Nobody at the hospital could figure out what was wrong with me, kung bakit hindi ako nagigising. I hardly ever remember what happens during my episodes. Even this memories I'm reminiscing looks like a faded 1890's pictures. It's as if my brain is vacuum cleaned.

After that, it took two more occurrences, an MRI and a revolving door of doctors coming in and out before I received my diagnosis. I have Klein Levin Syndrome or the so called sleeping beauty syndrome.

Sleeping Beauty Syndrome, how ironic, kasi under its circumstances my life had never been easy, hindi siya naging isang fairytale na after halikan ng isang prinsipe gagaling na agad, sana nga ganoon na lang, but faith had its own script for me, naging miserable ang buhay ko at nawala nalang sa mga kamay ko ang normal na buhay na meron sana ako.

Para sa akin, the worst part about Klein Levin Syndrome is the division between myself and the real world.

While having an episode, it's impossible for me to tell whether I'm dreaming, hallucinating, or if I'm still alive. Everything about my surroundings seemed wrong. I can't tell if the thing I'm seeing is real or not.

But the truth is, nothing is real. But nothing is a dream.

It's all a nightmare. A nightmare that keeps haunting me everytime I close my eyes and sleep. A nightmare that ruined my life perspective. The constant nightmare that ruined my teenage and now my life as an adult.

The nightmare that I wanted to escape from.

...but how?

Paano ko magagawang tumakas? Paano ako tatakbo palayo sa sarili ko, palayo sa katawan ko? Something inside me is sick, something is wrong with me. Sana katulad nalang ako ng isang sirang plaka na pwedeng kumpunihin anytime, sana ganoon nalang kadali iyon. Pero hindi, maski mga taong magaling pagdating sa larangan ng medisina ay walang ideya kung anong specific na gamot na para sa sakit ko. It's like everyone around me is giving up, even myself is starting to break down.

Every day I can feel that there are parts of my walls and foundations that are slowly crumbling. Debris falling out and crushing the life I never get to finish...to enjoy.