to be or not to be

THIRTEEN

+13

"you're late and you didn't show up yesterday. is everything okay ms. downs?" mr. bowers asked me. i felt namjoon's gaze fixed on me but i made sure not to look at him.

"something came up mr. bowers, i have a life before coming here." i snapped.

i took my seat and continued to look at the counselor. he didn't even say anything but sighed. "we're back to square one aren't we?" namjoon and i both nodded and mr. bowers placed his journal down.

"guys what is up?! what are you doing or saying to each other that is not sitting well? are you guys even practicing the things that you preach to yourself and your friends?"

"there's too many secrets that's not being shared." i told him.

mr. bowers got up and he motioned for us to get up. "hold hands and stare into each other eyes."

we did as told and i looked at namjoon with so much anger. i didn't even want to hold his hands. "now we are going to expose and reveal every SINGLE thing here right now. we are are not going to leave nothing behind."

"aaliyah, do you care to start for us first?" mr. bowers gave me the permission to commence and i stared at namjoon.

"sure." i told him. "when we separated for two months, i met this guy named dean. we instantly clicked and he told me about his life and i told him mine. we both had the same problem in our relationship and that why i feel so close to him."

"do you love or have a liking for this dean guy?" mr. bowers inquired.

"no, i don't like him but the connection between us is very strong. we barely argue and i can tell him pretty much anything."

"have you done anything sexual with dean?"

i felt namjoon squeeze my hands hard at that question while he was staring into my eyes.

"we slept in the same bed but we never done anything sexual. he's one of my emotional support. i go to him for a cuddle or shoulder if i need to cry on."

"is that all? Anything else you have to tell namjoon?"

"no, i'm done."

mr. bowers turned to namjoon and waited for him to start. "aaliyah, aimee and i have been talking. ever since that day i told you that i was going to cheat on you."

my eyes widen and i tried removing my hands. "keep your hands in place ms. downs. listen to everything that he has to say."

"we almost kissed and sometimes the sexual tension was very present. i'm very selfish for hurting you by talking to her again after everything but it came about."

i looked down and watched as my tears fall on the white tile. "ms. downs, how does this make you feel?"

"betrayed, very hurt, and confused."

"are you confused about their relationship or what?" mr. bowers began jotting things in his journal.

"i'm confused about his feeling for me and his feelings for aimee."

"namjoon? you care to explain?"

he nodded and lifted my chin. "i love you and yeah this relationship is fucked up but you're still my wife. i do and say things i don't mean but i'm human. i'm destined to make mistakes and i can never say that i am perfect. aimee, she was my first love and my first real relationship. she cheated on me and the love i have for her different from yours but there's still love. do i love you the two of you the same? no, i don't, but i care about the both of you. although i shouldn't associate myself with those from my past, the past is something that will never leave us, no matter how much closure we get."

"how come you never told me? why did you keep this from me?" he couldn't look at me.

"i-i...i don't know."