No Mourners, No Funerals

22.✓

Kaz returned to the Slat, his limp more pronounced than it had been in a long time, he was dead tired, and hungry too. Food could wait, sleep could not. He'd neutralized the threat, he should be happy, Inej was safe. But... he wasn't happy.

He was still angry, his mind kept circling back down to Inej's second.

Her trusted right hand, who had been with Inej all that time out on the sea, shared every victory with her, and every sorrow. He was probably a good guy, handsome enough, with a decent moral code. He was probably unbroken, too. His mind whispered poisonous ideas into his thoughts, and he quickly snapped himself out of it. 

This was Inej, she was too good for any of the vile things a loathsome creature as himself could think of. She wouldn't have pushed him, reached for him, not if she no longer wanted him. If she had found someone better, she would have told him... wouldn't she? 

He had thought she still wanted him, but now he was more confused than ever. All he knew was at one point she had wanted him, possibly even loved him, but now... He saw a piece of paper on his desk that had not been there before and was immediately awake. He walked over to it and frowned. It was in Inej's handwriting. A single word, but Kaz read it over and over again for it to sink in. To make sense of it.

'Goodbye'

Kaz's heart stilled in his chest, his mouth becoming dry as ash, his sight around the note going black as his vision tunneled, and all his focus on that single simple word. He slowly put his cane against his desk, before leaning on the wood himself, his hands placed on either side of the note, gripping the table for support.
Come back. "I can't."

She didn't plan on returning.

Kaz's eyes shut, pain lashing through him, burning at the back of his eyes, a subtle agony squeezed his heart like a fist, his lungs felt weighted and hard to use as a throbbing started in his head. He felt himself sit down heavily in his chair. His mind strayed. She wasn't coming back... 

Maybe he'd been wrong, after all. Maybe Inej did find exactly what she wanted in Caden. And was it really her who pushed him? or was he only chasing after her, reaching for a dream that was as likely as magic existing, it was hardly like any touch could be seen as more than platonic. She deserved more, this was good. She deserved to be happy...

It didn't stop the pain, though. The sting of hot tears in his eyes. Kaz shoved the heels of his gloved hands into his eyes, willing himself to stop. The world was dark, colorless, cold, and ruthless. He was a part of it. 

He hated her, he hated himself, he hated Caden, the assassin, and the world. He was hot and cold, he was bleeding without a scratch on him, he was armorless and afraid, and broken. He grabbed the note, and started toward the fireplace, but paused as his breath, will, and hate all left him in a gust.

Hadn't this been what pushed her away? He could have been a good man for her, but he wasn't. He wasn't enough, he'd always known that. She was not to blame for his broken heart. He had let hope grow, he'd known the risks of such action, he had taken his armor willingly off, not just because she had asked him, he had wanted to change. 

This wasn't her fault, he loosened his body and uncrumpled the note. It would probably be the last word he would hear from her, for a long time...if she even came back. 

Kaz released a shuttered sigh, Saints, what had he done? Kaz set the note beside his desk, in a personal hidden compartment. His heart thudded dully in his chest, each beat a little more agonizing than the last, he felt sick. 

Kaz forced himself to walk across the room, and lock his window and door. Then limped over to his bed, laying down with a pained groan, he rubbed at his aching knee before settling himself on his bed, propping up his bad leg. He breathed softly, knowing he was in for a long night, and the possibility of sleep finding him easy was slim.