It's Me, Again

Ch. 20 (Dylan)

The truth is out and all I can do now is hope that Kate is able to move past it and forgive me. Actually, that's not true. If I can find some way to prove to her that I'm not that same insecure, self-loathing guy anymore and that I would literally walk through fire rather than hurt her again, that could make all the difference. It's one thing for me to tell her I'm different now and another to show her.

Kate says she's not mad at me and that she just needs time. I don't know how she can not be mad at me. Hell, I'm mad at me. I do have this worry in the pit of my stomach though. When she first heard the truth, she said she wasn't mad at me. But, the more she thinks about it, replays it in her mind, and lets it stew - I'm afraid she'll end up hating me.

So what do I do? She wants space and I want to respect that, but I'm also afraid that the longer I go without reaching out to her, the easier it will be for her to move on from me. Will my silence be seen as respectful or as indifference?

I need to think of something that will show her I'm seriously a new man. A grand gesture like they're always talking about in the romantic comedies. But what?

I spend the next day watching clips of popular rom coms from the 90s and 2000s on YouTube, devouring as much information as I could to figure out what romantic gesture I could do for Kate.

Stand outside her window blasting music to get her attention like in "Say Anything"? No, she lives on a busy, city street and probably won't even hear me. I'd just end up getting random people telling me to shut up.

Start singing in public for her and get a bunch of people to join in like a singing flash mob a la "10 Things I Hate About You"? No. No one wants to hear me sing in public and I don't have any friends who would commit to that.

Chase after her on my motorcycle and stop the cab she's in before she leaves town like in "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days"? The only problem is she's not leaving town and I don't own a motorcycle.

I go through endless amounts of videos for hours and hours when I hear a knock on my bedroom door.

"You've been in here for hours and I haven't heard a peep. Just wanted to make sure you were still alive," Josh says with his head in the doorway.

"Yeah, still here." I rub my eyes after staring at my computer screen for so long.

Josh leans further into my room and looks to see what I'm staring at on my computer, "What are you looking at?"

"I'm trying to get an idea for a grand romantic gesture to show Kate how much I love her and how serious I am about not screwing up again."

"By looking at movie clips?" he asks skeptically.

"I'm looking at rom coms to try to get an idea."

Josh chuckles, "Any luck, Romeo?"

"Nothing that will work."

"Maybe instead of copying something from a movie, you should think about what she would like. Something that's specific to her instead of something from a movie. Unless you're reenacting her favorite movie or something and then that'd be pretty cool."

"Yeah..." I start to think about what would be special to her.

"What's her favorite movie?"

"It used to be "Inception", I don't know if that's changed."

"Okay, yeah not going to work for your romantic gesture. I don't think you want to pretend to go inside her mind to steal things."

"Yeah, if only I could go in her brain and plant the seed that she trusts me and loves me again," I joke though if I really could do that I would definitely do it.