Healing Myself

Baby steps

The next morning, I was woken up by an annoying voice and laser beams of hell hitting my face. I know some people like to call it morning sunshine, but that's not my preference. "Get up, little monkey!" The voice exclaimed. The owner of this voice was none other than Xander, also known as, my dad. I stretched the thin blanket over my frame. "Come on, monkey, get up!"

I know being called something like 'little monkey' by your dad, or any parent, wasn't the coolest thing for a teenager; I loved it though. When Xander had seen 12 year old me climbing a tree in the woods behind our home, he had, like any other normal parent, freaked out. After realizing just how much I loved it, he had specially built a tree house on my favorite tree, while making sure that all the grass in the nearby area was nice and grown, were I to accidentally fall. He had even tried to teach me how to take a fall, but had been very surprised when I had already showed him that I knew how to take one. Courtsey of my previous family. Ever since then, I had become his 'little monkey'.

Dad began to sing in a horrible voice. "Come on, come on, turn the radio on, it's Friday night-"

"Alright, alright, I'm getting up"

Dad could sing fairly nicely, but had a reason not to. Apparently, it was a rule that 40 year old dads couldn't sing unless they were Shawn Mendes. Obviously, neither was Shawn 40, nor was he my dad; although, thinking about it, I'd love to call him daddy.

Get your mind out of the gutter. Nope. Bad, bad Sang.

I would have loved to shut the responsible part of my conscience up, but unfortunately, I had to listen to it. My dad was kinda in my room with me, and even though I knew he couldn't read my thoughts, thinking about that while he was in close proximity was just..................just no.

"'Morning Dad" I said with a yawn. The pillows seemed to beckon me to lay my head on them just once. Oh, that soft -

"Good morning Sang" dad said while ruffling my hair and handing me........300 dollars? I looked up in his kind, light blue eyes with a questioning gaze. "Well, you know how Lynn is this time of the year. I thought I'd spend the day with her. Take her out, maybe. We haven't been on a date in a while. Too many jobs." He could have rambled for days, had I not interrupted.

"I get it dad. You want me to get out of the house for the rest of today, right? It's okay. I don't need the money." I gently push the notes back in his hand, but he covers my hand with both of his. Dad looks at me with concern. "Don't think that I haven't noticed how you've been sitting home for the past few months. Go spend this money on yourself. Buy a dress, or visit a spa, or whatever girls your age do. That's what he would have wanted."

"But we don't know that, now do we? 'Cause he's not here." I say bitterly. We don't say his name, but we are both aware of who is being talked about. Dad just gives me a look. I look down at my hands, speaking in a whisper "I'm sorry for snapping at you like that. I just...", I leave the apology hanging, because honestly, I have no clue what to say or how to feel right now. Talking about what happened is hard and dad doesn't need to know that the guilt, though less potent now, is still present; inside the deepest pits of my mind, and the darkest corners of my heart. I might have cried over it for a short time, but I wouldn't forget what happened for a long, long time.

"I know", dad says, like he really does know. "I'm not telling you to go get out there, just relax a little. Baby steps, hmm?" I nod my head, afraid to make any promises. So much for last night's pep talk. Dad gives me a kiss on the forehead and leaves the room. And once again I am alone, going through another one of those flashbacks that my brain likes to so fondly remind me of.

"How could they do this? You've won so many games for them this year. One time you ditch, and they have to call you back" I whine like a little girl. I knew it was important that he take part in this game, but I just wanted to complain.

"I'm truly sorry, babe. But I'm the only sub they have. Plus, you know how the boys are. Wouldn't be able to win a single match without me." He gives me a grin, pulling me closer to his side.

After participating back to back in football matches all year, he had finally decided to opt out of this season's third match. My family was going camping and he loved outdoorsy stuff, so of course he was coming along. One of the players had been injured during practice though, and my hero was the only one good enough to fill in.

"Why do you have to be the best?" I ask with a pout. At this point, a 5 year old would have looked more mature than I did. Not that I cared.

He kisses me on the lips, efficiently taking my pout away. I give him a goofy smile as he pulls back, and am rewarded with another kiss. His amber eyes are filled with promises as he holds my gaze. "Don't worry, Sunshine. We have a lot of time to make memories together."

Memories. Those are all I have now. All the moments we had so cherished, capturing them in the cage of pictures, are now nothing more than the memories of the past.

All the dreams we had dreamt together, the wishes we had made together, were out of reach now; because we weren't together.

•••••

AN: Would you like to know who our 'hero' is? Because it won't be long before you have a name for those amber eyes.

QOTD: What would you guys do if your dad were to give you 300 dollars and told you to get out of the house for the day? I'll probably buy as many books as I can, and chocolate too (can't forget the chocolate). Comment and tell me!