tea - dreamnotfound

how did we get here?

clay screams out of frustration for probably the fifth time this evening. he's moved his simple setup to the living room to stream some speedruns without bothering me, who he probably thinks is trying to nap.

initially he asked me to join in on the stream, but i politely declined, complaining of simply being too exhausted. i only partially lied about that. physically i'm doing okay, but mentally i'm in ruins. i keep thinking that sleep will fix everything, yet it never does. when i wake up i feel just as shitty as always.

i've been on my own, overthinking everything that's happened today ever since we came home from our walk. neither of us wanted to leave that bench, too caught up with one another to be concerned about the outside world.

i can with full confidence say that i was truly happy in those moments. sitting safely in my best friend's lap, snuggling up against his warm body and eventually even getting a kiss from those soft lips of his might've been the best things that have ever happened in my trashy life. i was beaming with newfound elation, and now i'm already back to my normal depressed state of being only a few hours later.

the walk home was completely silent. i didn't dare opening my mouth to speak, and neither did clay. i'm guessing he was as afraid as me about somehow upsetting the other, or killing the mood. but that's also the reason why my thoughts won't stop wandering to awful places.

why didn't he say a single word about what happened in the park? even when we'd gotten back home he wouldn't mention it. he wouldn't even speak to me. as soon as we got through the door he threw his sneakers on the shoe rack and went straight into the bathroom.

i poured myself a glass of water and sat down on my bed, waiting patiently for him to come back out so we could at least start a normal conversation. but all he did when he was finished was walk past me, grab his laptop and headset and escape into the living room.

the only thing he's said to me since we got off the bench is 'do you wanna stream with me?' to which i responded that i was too tired. with a simple shrug he disappeared from my sight again.

is he ashamed? does he regret kissing me, calling me beautiful? i wouldn't be surprised if that's the case. he acted on an impulse because he felt bad for me. he'd figured out that i was going through some shit and since he didn't want to be a bad friend he had to do something about it. maybe he even knows that i'm in love with him. why else would he let me sit in his lap in the first place?

and now he's got me completely hooked. i've sunken way deeper into the swamp full of quicksand. those affectionate hugs, those subtle glances, the way he brushed his hand against my cheek, how he leaned in so carefully to kiss me, it's all so addicting. almost like a drug. clay's given me a first taste and now i just want more.

all these thoughts are doing a lap race inside of my head, competing to see who can take over the fastest. they're creating a full blown tornado, giving me headache. i just want clarity. i just want it to stop.