tea - dreamnotfound

uneasy alliance

i hold the power button, completely shutting off my phone and clay does the same. we've both tweeted about the situation, and honestly it feels like huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

this wasn't the way i was hoping we would come out in, but there's nothing to do about that now. we agreed that it was better to just tell the truth rather than ignore the speculations and theories. neither of us wanted to be bombarded with invading questions on streams.

"and so it's been done," clay sighs, stroking my hair and holding me close under the covers. i stay quiet, resting my head on his bare chest and letting my fingertips trail down his smooth, tanned skin. they graze his collarbones and every inch of his body down to the toned abs on his stomach. he seems to enjoy my gentle touch.

"how are we feeling today honey boo?" he wonders to break the silence.
"like shit."

i know he's frowning even though i can't see his face.

"thank you for being honest."

i crawl over to lay on his left side instead so i can place my ear just over his heart and listen to it beat. the slow, rhythmical pumping is soothing to me. it makes me feel like we're joint together as one.

"do you want some breakfast? i could go get you an apple or something," he suggests.
"can't you just stay here with me?"
"it's good for you to get some energy if you're feeling shitty. and sticking to a daily routine of breakfast will help you out a lot too, i promise."

"please don't leave," i whimper pathetically when he starts shifting.
"hey, i'll be back in thirty seconds, okay? don't worry baby. you'll pull through."

he places a tender kiss on my forehead before sitting up and sliding out of bed. i admire his shirtless upper body with an embarrassed grin as he walks away, hoping he doesn't notice my interest. i swear the dude is too hot for his own and my good.

while i'm waiting for him to come back with my useless little breakfast i make a feeble attempt to sit up. halfway there my arms give up, causing me to fall flat on my back again. it's like i'm chained to the mattress. no matter how hard i try i just can't escape. i can't escape my mind or any part of this horrible illness.

clay doesn't have many days left here. what will happen when he leaves? will i just go back to the same old me, slowly destroying every aspect of myself? how will i ever get out of bed, knowing my lover isn't there to kiss and hug me? how will i get through the days, knowing i might not get to feel his touch again for months or even years? i want to cry.

my burning thoughts are interrupted by the bedroom door opening and a familiar figure entering.

"here you go," he says, handing the yellowish looking fruit over. i inspect it thoroughly before taking the smallest little bite. it tastes like any normal apple would. clay hops into bed again, snuggling up to me for warmth. he takes my free hand, intertwining our fingers and playing with them.

i carefully chew on a stubborn apple peel, staring out into the distance and paying no attention to his interactions. it feels like i'm drowning in my own mind, like i can't get out of the pool for air. i'm trying my best to just focus on eating, or even better, focus on clay who's sitting beside me but nothing's working. it's like reality is slowly slipping out of my reach and i'm left hanging over the void underneath.

"hey, what else is bugging you? you know you can tell me anything and i'll do my best to help."

his voice sounds distant, warped and almost fake. like he doesn't truly mean those words. as a result, my response becomes unnecessarily venomous and unpleasant.

"you're going home on friday," i snarl, "you won't care so much about me then. you'll just forget about all of this."
"what? george, i would never ditch you like that. i promised i'd stay with you until the very end. i love you, and you know that."

i feel myself getting close to tears as i come crashing back down to reality. why do i say such stupid shit? i'm just hurting the world's most amazing and supportive person.

"i'm s-sorry, i didn't mean to say that clay, i don't know what got into me.."
"it's okay, i know it's not you speaking," he calmly says, pulling me closer.
"i just- i just don't want you to leave! please stay with me..."

i'm a train wreck of emotions. i'm losing control, desperately clinging onto my boyfriend.

"listen," he starts, trying to hold back a sigh, "i would love to stay with you forever and never go back home. more than anything i want to. but i've got things to attend to, a cat, my channel, a lot of things. i can't stay for longer. i'm so sorry george."

his words poke holes in my heart. the lump in my throat is about to suffocate me.

"please..."

i look up at him to find that his expression has turned into a thoughtful one. he's clearly thinking very deeply about something. i want to ask him what, but i stop myself last second.

"i will fix something, trust me. we can make this work," he reassures me, burying his face in my dark hair, "you have my word on that."