tea - dreamnotfound

the end?

ten minutes until boarding.

i don't even wanna look at the electronic sign. i'm snuggled up in clay's lap with my eyes shut, just wanting to salvage these last moments i've got with him.

it'll take weeks before i can fly out to florida and move in. weeks spent all alone, without vital cuddles and kisses from my lover. he's still trying to convince me that i'll survive, but i'm not so sure about that. and i know we share the same pain. i can see it in his eyes.

he promised me he'd call and text everyday. he said he'd want to be on call with me 24/7 if it was possible. i think i melted faster than ice cream on a hot summer day hearing that.

whenever i struggle, i'm panicking, feeling down or hitting a roadblock i should call him, is what he told me. doesn't matter what time of day, early morning, late at night. he'd always be there for me, he wouldn't be mad if i woke him up, if i interrupted during a meeting, a recording, anything. he joked and named it 'boyfriend duty'.

it's clear he wants to stay by my side and support me throughout my entire recovery, and i'm so unbelievably thankful for that.

"how're you feeling?"

i open my eyes, craning my head up to look at him.

"i don't know, i.. feel weird," i confess.
"me too," he sighs, petting my hair, "i know it's only a few weeks but i'll miss you so much."
"how will i stay on track alone?"
"you're doing this for your sake, remember? not mine, not anyone else's. you deserve this, think like that. i deserve this!"

i take a deep breath, looking him straight in the eyes.

"i deserve this."

"that's the spirit," he smiles, kissing the corner of my mouth lovingly, "i know you can do this on your own no problem. i'm not asking you to cook big fancy meals three times a day but have some yoghurt in the morning. make a sandwich. order takeout for dinner when you're hungry. and if you're feeling weak and down, have just a little snack and you'll feel better instantly, i promise. and when you can't get out of bed, call me and i'll help you as much as i can. you don't have to suffer in silence."

"i'll do my best," i tell him.
"good. i believe in you."

i know we're receiving a multitude of glances but people can stare all they want, neither of us care. these last minutes are crucial for our relationship. i'm being told just what i need to hear and clay's getting more reassured by the second.

his fingers soothingly massage my scalp, making me slowly drift away from the busy world. he knows i love when he does this. i swear he knows almost everything about me at this point.

"now boarding flight 507A to orlando, florida."

i quickly slide off his lap, my heart beginning to race. a line is forming by the gate entrance already. i know boarding takes a good while. so hopefully we've still got some time to say our last goodbyes.

"no stress sweetheart, we can stay here for now," clay whispers to me when he's stood up too.
"f-fuck, you're literally leaving now, i-"
"not yet, i'm still here okay?"

he hugs me tightly, rocking me back and forth. i hold on like my life depends on it. an unpleasant lump in my throat has started to grow and i feel tears welling up. i'm such a pussy. i'll see him again in like less than a month, what the hell am i crying for?

"hey, don't cry sweetie.. don't cry.. you'll break my heart."

but i can't help it. the sobs shake my entire body, practically squeezing the tears out of me. i hide my red, shamefully ugly face in clay's shoulder, wetting his t-shirt sleeve. he leans his head against mine, just letting me release it all.

his grip on me is still calm and controlled when i suddenly feel something drip down my neck. i glance up at him and realize that he's crying too. i've fucking made him cry.

how someone can be so pretty even while crying is beyond me.

the line is moving too fast. our time is running low.

"it's-it's not the end of t-the world, alright?" clay sniffles, "we'll meet again soon."
"i-i know.."

he flashes me a sad smile before pulling me into a final kiss. it's long and so, so dreamy. it makes me feel like i'm being ripped off the ground and thrown into the clouds.

we move in perfect sync, our minds and bodies stuck in a trance. i savor every single second knowing i won't get to experience this on a daily basis anymore. his hands get tangled up in my hair, pushing me to deepen the kiss even more. i can't bring myself to as i suddenly become very aware of our surroundings. french kissing in public like this is just too much for me.

both of us are lightly panting after we part. i'm feeling much calmer now. i shoot him a bittersweet smile, unable to get my eyes off of his lips. oh, how i'll miss them.

"i really have to go now," he mumbles, frowning.
"yeah.."

he brushes a stray strand of hair away from my face, locking eyes with me one last time.

"i love you baby."
"i love you too clay. i love you so much."

with a sigh he retracts his hand and leaves my side, watching me constantly from afar until it's his turn to board.