tea - dreamnotfound

free the end

epilogue

the last florida sun of of the day burns against the side of my face as the driver steers off the highway.

i can't say i was too impressed when clay messaged me and told me i'd have to get an uber from the airport. of course i'd expected him to pick me up but i guess you can't have everything. he claimed he was "too busy" and "running late" and when i questioned him further he refused to disclose any more information.

i really can't complain though, i'm about to meet the love of my life face to face for the first time in almost a month.

one positive thing about the situation was that it gave me time to buy a bouquet of deeply red roses at a florist inside the airport. clay really deserves a sweet gift like that, and i know he loves his flowers.

the cashier gave me a weird look when i asked her which roses were the red ones. i probably could've figured it out on my own but i wanted to make sure to not mess it all up. not that clay would mind receiving a different color, but still.

i lean my head against the car window, smiling as i think of him. these weeks haven't been easy. i've battled so many demons, so many urges trying to set me back.

many days i've felt like total shit. many times i've been wanting to give up completely. but through the encouragement of clay and my own weak willpower i've made it all the way up until this point. no more notebooks full of calculations and calories, no more weighing myself every single day.

baby steps, as they say.

i'm still nowhere near recovered or healthy. my eating patterns are pretty trash, but at least i'm trying. breakfast, lunch and dinner, every day. well, most days at least.

physically i'm doing much better. the need for a hoodie and two blankets while sitting on the couch have been reduced to just a hoodie. i actually have energy to do stuff. my mind isn't in this constant fog anymore. and as much as i hate to admit it, i do look better. my skin isn't as pale, my eyes aren't as lifeless. hopefully clay will notice these hints of improvement too. it would make him so happy, so proud.

mentally however, i can't say anything's gotten better. the bad days still outweigh the good ones. i still hate myself when i look in the mirror. i still feel worthless for letting myself go. to an outsider i'd seem fine even though i'm really not.

the thought of therapy keeps haunting me. i need it, don't i? how else will i find peace? i just want to be able to feel good about myself, my appearance and my body. i just want out of this mental prison.

although i tend to drift off to better places whenever i'm with clay, i know that love isn't a cure for my problems. it only creates a temporary effect of ecstasy. and i can't glue myself stuck to him, even though i kinda wish it was possible. i guess i'll just have to speak to him about it once i've settled in.

one last turn and we've ended up on a street filled with modern suburban houses stretching far ahead. the driver slows his car to a stop by the curb in front of a nice, wooden home. i pay for the ride, thanking him before i step out into the humid air.

the house in front of me looks just like clay described it; a stone path leading up to the small front porch, a neatly trimmed lawn surrounding it. flowers of all kinds are planted along the walls. the house itself is painted white with a dark blue front door. a tall fence gate on the side seems to lead to the backyard.

i hold onto my bags tightly as my heart starts to race. i'm here. i'm really here.

the path is thankfully smooth and void of rocks, but i struggle at the last stairs by the porch. i'm not exactly the strongest person so lifting my heavy luggage isn't a simple task. i curse at my twiggy arms as i slowly manage to pull the first bag up the three puny steps. just the other one to go.