tea - dreamnotfound

two by two

"what are you watching?"
"happy tree friends."

he sits down next to me on the couch, grabbing a blanket and wrapping it around himself. the silence between us grows more and more uncomfortable as minutes pass, and my irritation with it.

why is he still not saying anything? it's been over 6 hours. clay never struck me as being such a coward before. he's usually always upfront, speaking up whenever something bothers or concerns him. in a past discord call he told me he's a very emotional person, but what's that got to do with anything right now? addressing today's events shouldn't be hard. clearly he did it just to cheer me up.

i throw him a dreamy yet annoyed glance when he isn't looking. the messy hair, the perfect skin...

sigh. as beautiful as ever.

he has to know. there's no way he doesn't know. after all this, all the times i've giggled when he's told me a joke or a pick-up line, all the times i've become speechless after his compliments, all the times i've turned red when he's gotten close, there's no way he doesn't know. and if he won't take initiative, i'll have to.

what's there even to lose anymore? i've already ruined everything. if he freaks out he might as well just rebook his flight tickets to tomorrow.

"clay?" i start, voice barely above a whisper.
"yeah?"

his mild, friendly stare doesn't feel mild to me. it burns holes right through my skull.

"why.." i mumble, pausing and doubting myself before finally pushing it out, "w-why did you kiss me?"

clay remains silent. he opens his mouth as if to say something, but not a word comes out.

"why did you? was it an impulse? did you fuck up? was it to make me feel good? was it because you knew i liked you? tell me clay, just tell me!"

i keep rambling, not realizing i probably already said too much. clay reaches for my hand but i swiftly recoil it.

"don't touch me! just talk to me, please."
"i-i.."

am i pushing him too hard now? i am, right? fuck fuck fuck, i can never do anything right.

"look, george, there's something i gotta tell you," clay confesses, biting his lower lip, "but can you promise me you won't be upset? just promise me that everything can go back to normal after this."
"i promise," i say, fearing whatever he's about to tell me.

he takes his eyes off of me, pulling a hand through his hair and focusing on fixing every little strand of it.

"for a while now, i've had.. strange feelings. about you. every time you call me on discord my heart like, skips a beat. and every time we stay up late talking nonsense i feel so special, i guess cause, y-you're special to me. it's so adorable when you fall asleep on call, when you sleep talk and when i can hear your little snores. it like tugs on my heartstrings, in a good way."

my jaw has dropped to the floor but clay seems to pay no mind.

"the point is, i think... i really l-like you. like as more than just a friend. a-and everything i did on that bench was so meaningful to me. it seemed like you loved it as much as i did. i thought it was obvious you liked me, that's why i.. took that step. but maybe i read you wrong, i-i'm sorr-"

i cut him off by connecting our lips. i don't need to hear the rest of his anxious ramble, i don't need more confirmation. i just want him.

he melts into the sweet sensation straight away, pulling me closer to his warm body and deepening the kiss. with his arms around my waist i let my tongue brush against his, heartbeat racing away. i almost don't want to believe it's true in case it's all a dream. cause it sure feels like it is just that, a dream. an eerily realistic dream. one i'd like to stay in forever.