No judgement

18

Niall has to work at the studio today, so I get the day to myself. I want to be with him obviously, but we spend so much time together. We some times need time from someone we like, to let ourselves think. I have been letting myself overthink everything. I need to work on myself, even if it is for just a day. I grabbed my notebook, opening it to the page I have been working on for the past few days. Grabbing the guitar that was in the corner of my room.

I started to play some notes, writing them down as I went. Singing...So I never really knew you, god I really tried to...Blindsided, addicted. Thought we could really do this...But really, I was foolish. Hindsight, it's obvious... I am already so in love with this song. I can't wait to finish it. I want to be in a better place, a safer place. I want to know that I am ready. This song to me is about Jake. The experience. I fell in love with him, when I was young. I was blind by love, I didn't want to believe he could really be that way. Talking with my layer, that line, is metaphorical. It is me talking to myself. Talking to myself about what I should do, where I will go from there. This song has a bunch of really deep meanings behind it. Stuff that only I will ever know. That is why it will mean so much to me. I want a male perpective in it as well. I think Niall would be perfect for that. I am not ready to share this song, I want to keep it to myself for a while.

I grabbed the keys to one of the cars, obviously asking Harry before taking the car. I walked out of the door getting into the car. I turned on some of Niall's music. I smiled, he always makes me smile. I pulled out of the driveway, turning down the street. I wanted some coffee. I want to go to a normal place, so I am going to do that. I brought some disguise, but at the same time. I don't really care right now. I pulled into the parking lot of the Beachwood cafe... Harry showed me this place, it's wonderful. I got my normal coffee order. Taking a seat in the corner.

I pulled out my phone this time, I don't want to risk anyone seeing what I am writing. I pulled up my text messages, seeing one from Niall.

New Message!
Hey sweetie x I hope that you have a good day. As much as I already miss you, just think about yourself today. I will see you tonight. I can't wait to hear about what you do today. :)

I smiled down at my phone. He is the sweetest human on this planet. I replied too him. Putting my phone away as the waitress brought me my order. She stood there for a second. I smiled at her.

"I just wanted to say that I love your song. It's so insiring. I was sexually assaulted as well. I didn't tell anyone for years. I stayed with the guy for a while after he did it. He said it would never happen again, but it did. Multiple times. The memories, they start to get easier to remember. Specailly if you have someone by your side." The girl said. I can't believe this is happening. This is unbelivebale. I motioned for her to sit down. She was hesitant at first, but if her boss says something I will defend her.

"I'm glad that you like my song, thank you so much for the support. It means the world to me. Does it get easier. The pain. Being scared of letting your significant other touch you. I am scared of anyone touching my thigh. Like it's pathetic. I feel so bad about it, becuase I know he doesn't mean to scare me, or cause any harm. I always feel so stupid as well." I said. Being completely honest. She is a fellow surviver. I've never talked to anyone that has been through something similar to me.

"It's not pathetic. It's called PTSD. It stands for "Post tramatic stress disorder.' so many people deal with it. I'm sure Harry is very patient with you as well. I know he is a good person, at least I hope he is." Right Harry, he is my boyfriend to everyone. I wish I could show off Niall as my boyfriend.

"Yeah he is. He is very patient. Thank you for talking to me. I hope to see you again." I gave her a decent tip, she deserves it. She walked back over to the counter. I left. PTSD, I've heard of it. I just never thought that I could have it. I grabbed my computer, searching it.

Later that night...

"Baylee." Niall said as he walked into my room. Sitting on the bed across from me. He looked at me studying my face. "What's wrong?" He asked me.

"I went to the Beachwood Cafe today, somewhere that Harry showed me. It was nice to have that time alone. The waitress there said that she loved my song, she went through sexual assault as well. She helped me understand why I react the way that I do all the time. I think that I have Ptsd. That's not even what is wrong though. I was talking about you, saying how I felt bad that I couldn't be normal." Niall went to say something, but I stopped him. "I know you are okay with how I am. That's still not what is bothering me. I was talking about you, saying how I want you to be able to do normal couple things with me, whatever. I almost said your name. I almost said your name, but then she asked me if Harry was patient with me. I forgot just for a second that I was with him publically. It hurt, it hurt a lot to hear that. Obviously I care about Harry, I love him...but I'm with you, and the fact that I have to hide that hurts me. I want to show you off." I could feel the tears falling down my face. "I don't want to loose this becuase of that. I want them to be happy, they deserve to be happy."

"You deserve to be happy too Baylee, you can't always put yourself last. You deserve to be shown off, and I know Harry does that. He does it too keep him and Louis a secret. It's not that fair to you at the end of the day. They get the happiness and you end up crying. I love both of them to death. They are two of my best friends, but I care about you way more than I do them. That might sound horrible, but I care about them so much it's just different." He said. Before I could say anything else. He kept going. "We can start by showing that we are friends to the world. We can do that. No be so secret that we are together. I don't want to ruin what Harry and Louis has because they have worked so hard to get where they are, but how you are feeling right now is more important to me. Is that enough for now? I mean obvouisly we aren't just friends." I laughed. He always makes me laugh. "The world can just see us as that." He said. It still hurts that we can't be known to the world as boyfriend and girlfriend but this is enough for now.

"I like that idea. Thank you Niall. Thank you for being here." I said. He wrapped his arms around me.

"I would have came sooner, if I would have known." He said. I don't want to interfer with his work, so that's out of the question for me too do. We laid down, just staring into each other's eyes. Falling asleep together. These nights are always the best. Just us...