Let Me Down | John Murphy

Chicken

Chapter 10

Billie's POV

Three days ago...

I placed the burning metal against my skin, and in a matter of moments, my entire body endured a pain I feared I would never recover from. My sister certainly surprised me with her act in violence. Surely the sky didn't teach her these things.

She made sure to leave me a parting gift when she fled, and boy, did I want to return the favour. The burning rage inside of me, helped motivate me. It's what got me going. I knew no matter what, I had to find her because at the end of the day, this was all her fault...

Quinn's POV

I'm a chicken. I chickened out. I feel shitty about it, but I can't go back in time and let what I wanted to happen, happen. I was out of my comfort zone, and the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I'll ever be ready. If only things were different. If only I wasn't so fucked up. If only I could get past the past and move forward. But I can't, and there's nothing I can do about that. Even if I think he's unbelievably good looking, there's no way I could ever go through with what I truly want... him.

"You okay?" Bellamy asks as I take Dawn from his arms for her feeding. However, due to my absence, my breasts can no longer provide the milk my daughter needs so formula is the only way to go.

"I'm fine," I lie, keeping my eyes locked on Dawn at all times to avoid eye contact with Bellamy.

"You sure?"

His question makes me want to scream for help. Tell him what happened, but instead, I remain quiet.

"Yeah, fine."

"Quinn, you know I can tell when you're lying, right?"

No. No. No.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

What the fuck am I supposed to say? I chickened out on a kiss with the hottest guy on the planet? I am still stuck on the girl who had me whipped since the first day I met her? A girl who is now dead?

Do you see my problem? I can't explain it without sounding stupid.

"Quinn, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

I nod slowly, still keeping my focus on LB.

"Yeah, I know," I say.

"Even if it's hard to talk about. I can handle anything-"

"I almost kissed John!" I finally announce, finding the words bursting out of my mouth before I can stop them.

I give myself a mental slap in the face.

You've been told to keep your lips closed more than once in your life, Quinn. This includes the mouth.

"You... you what?" Bellamy questions, shock written all over his face. "You kissed Murphy?"

"Almost... but yeah," I say, taking a seat around the campfire.

"Wow," Bellamy gapes, following my lead. "I can't say I saw that coming."

"Yeah... me neither," I shrug. "That's one of the reasons I chickened out."

"You chickened out?"

Don't sound too surprised, Bellamy. Besides, I said I almost kissed him- meaning I didn't.

"Yeah I did," I say. "I just couldn't go through with it."

"Was it because he hurt you?" Bellamy asks and I shake my head.

"Sure, he's hurt me a bunch of times. But that wasn't the reason I didn't follow through with the kiss."

"Then what was?"

A large lump dances in my throat. "It's because of Rory!"

Don't cry, Quinn. Don't cry.

"I loved her so freaking much and I still do now!"

I don't want to scream around my child but my emotions have taken the wheel. I have no control.

"Goddamn it, I wish I could move on! I wish I could fall in love again and get married and have more babies, but I can't! I just can't!"

As my tears fall, I hear my daughter's cries matching mine.

"Oh shit!"

I adjust my daughter in my arms and attempt to soothe her, trying not to let my tears hit her.

"Shh it's okay. It's okay."

"Quinn, let me take her," Bellamy offers, taking her from my arms after I give in.

"God, I'm a mess," I sigh, falling into my hands. "I can't move on, I can't soothe my daughter, I can't kiss the hottest guy I've ever met! I just can't do shit!"

"Hey, hey," Bellamy calls, reaching out to me. "You can, okay? You're just struggling a little bit at the moment, and that's okay. That's why you've got me. And I'm not leaving you, I promise."

Nodding slowly, I look up at my baby daddy and smile. "Thank you, Bellamy."

"Anytime."

A small pause occurs before he continues.

"You know, I'm a little hurt you don't think I'm the hottest guy you've ever met."

He places a hand over his chest to look offended before I hit him on the arm.

"Shut up," I laugh, feeling the sadness begin to ease up a bit.

"I'm just saying," he shrugs before I move my head onto his shoulder.

"Do you think things will ever get easier?" I ask him, frustrated by my endless emotional roller coaster.

"I hope so," he tells me. "For yours, mine and Dawn's sake."

Time will only tell...