MIXTAPE | hyunin ✓

twenty one

Hyunjin felt his knees buckle under his weight as he slammed the door shut, unwilling to bump into them again. Slowly, he slid downwards, almost collapsing onto the floor as he tried in vain to preoccupy his thoughts, filling them with any other thought besides Jeongin and Chaewon.

Although Jeongin had told him ( and the media ) that they were just friends, he couldn't ignore the feeling of despair and the searing anger he felt whenever they were together, every interaction shared between them so filled with love and joy that Hyunjin couldn't help but feel jealous, the green-eyed monster completely overtaking his thoughts and actions and causing him to act out impulsively.

He leaned his head against the door, wallowing in the darkness he had engulfed himself in and stared at the nothingness that filled the room.

The memories came flooding back the second he closed his eyes, a nightmare that never once stopped haunting him ever since then. He heard it all - the sirens, the screaming, the wailing - every single noise rang in his ears, colliding and crashing against one another. Forming a completely indescribable cacophony of voices.

Moments later, he saw himself in the hospital bed again. Alone. No one was there to celebrate his awakening. No one was there to welcome him back. No one was there.

He remembered looking around, frantically crying out for people but all those who came into that god forbidden room were nurses and doctors forcing him back onto the bed because he was still in an unstable condition.

He remembered going back to school a month later and instead of being greeted by a familiar face, all he saw were strangers staring at him with their cold and callous eyes, judging every single movement he made and every single breath he took.

He remembered years later seeing that same familiar face appear on the silver screen alongside his newfound friend and that was the first time in his life did he ever feel the sting of searing hatred.

That day, he tore every single photo he had kept of the two of them ( only to tape them back up a few hours later ).

He knew it was selfish and petty to feel such an overwhelming amount of negative emotions whenever he saw them together, but a part of him could and would never let go of the fact that that could have been them. Instead of Chaewon being the one to grow up alongside Jeongin, he could have been the one to have been by his side throughout it all.

But, he wasn't.

Instead, when he first saw Jeongin, he chose to pretend that he was simply seeing things, unwilling to accept the fact that Jeongin had left him on his own while he went to Seoul to pursue his dreams.

When he realised that it was truly him, instead of trying to find him and reconcile with him, he chose to resent him, that same resentment still set in place despite the fact that Jeongin had been nothing but kind to him.

And, one fine day, he decided to take a leap of faith and audition for a movie that he knew Jeongin would be starring in, a part of him desperately wishing that it was their chance for a reunion but that hope died the second he saw that Chaewon would star in it with them. And since then, all he could see was green, his jealousy and resentment restricting him from being the same person that he was when they were children.

"Hyung?"

He opened his eyes to see the door slightly opened, the slightest bit of light shining through the cracks as he felt someone pushing it further from outside. He tried to push the door shut again, not wanting anyone to see him in such a state but Jeongin was insistent and continued prying the door open, eventually succeeding as he entered the dressing room.