i love you • formula one

24

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first person

~***~

I knew when I agreed to stay with Nicky that he was going to be busy for most of the day with commitments to his job and fitness, but I never expected to feel so lonely. His apartment wasn't overly big because of it's location in central London, however without anyone's company, it felt like a mansion. There was only so much work I could do before I would lose focus, so much dancing before my knee would ache, and so much video games I could play before getting bored. I would cherish the evenings with him, curled up under a blanket watching Netflix together. The first day was the hardest; the last time I was alone, I had been on edge the entire time because of a late night visitor. Nicky's apartment building was a lot safer. The only way you could get in is with a key, and the doorbell was linked directly with Nicky's phone so I didn't have to worry about unwanted guests.

Friday was the last day Nicky needed to work and I wanted to start his weekend off the right way. We didn't have anything planned, and I was rather looking forward to a lazy weekend with my boyfriend. There was a market nearby and I hadn't really gotten a chance to go out of the apartment since arriving here. I was determined to buy Nicky a thank you gift for everything he has done for me this week, as well as an apology for the fact that I couldn't bring myself to lie and tell him that I loved him. It wouldn't be fair on him if I lied about my feeling. I really want us to work because I really like him and Lando is not an option at this point.

After finishing my lunch a little after one, I changed out of my lounge wear and into an outfit suitable for leaving the house. I could see that the sky was coated white with clouds through the large window in the bedroom so dressed appropriately in a pair of light-wash, distressed denim jeans and one of Nicky's long-sleeved shirts with the sleeves rolled up to fit my arms length. The trees moved unpredictably in the wind so I knew that it was more than likely going to be blustery out and that I'd need my jacket, too. I tied my long blonde hair in a ponytail, secured by a blue and yellow polkadot scrunchie. To ensure I didn't accidentally lose Nicky's key, I slipped it into the pocket of my jacket and zipped it up. I needn't worry about locking the door behind me because it self-locks whenever it closes.

The air felt crisp when I inhaled it though my nose the moment I exited the building, a nice contrast to London's usual intoxicating pollution. I tightened my jacket a little tighter around my body as a gust whipped through my hair, throwing me slightly off balance because I wasn't expecting it. My foot moved an inch to the left, nothing more, and I felt something crumple underneath it. In surprise, I glanced down to inspect the damage. A single red rose, now missing a few petals, was lying on the stone step. The colour immediately was identical to the car that I was trying to tell myself wasn't following me, but I was quickly overcome with another emotion - guilt. My stomach twisted  - perhaps this had been intended as a sweet gift for someone? I quickly glanced around to see if anyone was approaching to shout at me, but there was nothing but the rustle of the trees lining the path. Quick, Lyra, just leave and pretend it wasn't you. With my bottom lip pulled between my teeth, I headed off at a brisk walk in the direction of the local high street and market.

I had absolutely no idea what I would buy Nicky so was relying on something to stand out to me as I browsed the various shops and stalls. The amount of money I had saved up from the remainder of my student loan and the various modelling gigs I've had over the last couple of years meant that I could afford to spend a decent amount on Nicky. I wanted to give him some confirmation that I cared a lot about him, and that I was so grateful for everything he's done for me already in our short relationship. Flowers alone definitely wouldn't suffice, but they might make a nice bonus.