i love you • formula one

15

please comment throughout!

first person

~***~

tuesday, 04/08/2020

My chest felt like it had been tied up by a rope that was slowly being pulled tighter and tighter by my own guilt. It physically hurt me to think about Lando because it brought me to think about Nicky. I am a horrible person for what I did to him. There was almost definitely no way that he'd forgive me because I couldn't even find a way to forgive myself. What happened between Lando and I shouldn't have happened. I just wish I could remember what happened; it didn't feel nice not knowing. Even the following day, the only recollection I had was foggy and I wasn't even sure whether it happened or whether I was just filling in the gaps myself.

I had been avoiding talking to Nicky in detail because every time I went to open up, I felt like I was going to cry. We hadn't been together for long but I just know it'll crush him. Because I'm supposed to be doing a placement with Lando for my next year at Uni, there would be no way of avoiding Nicky. He'd be at every race, his face a reminder of the person I hurt. I highly doubt he'd want to be looking at my face when I tell him.

I couldn't talk to Lando about my problems when he was the problem (although not his fault). It was hard to look at him, let alone speak to him. Instead, I decided to call my little sister. She may only be fourteen, but she has the straightest head on the strongest shoulders. I've never met a fourteen year old as mature and smart as she was. I didn't even care that she easily showed me up, or knew twice as much as I did at her age, because she was incredibly selfless. If that girl doesn't become Prime Minister, I'd eat my hat.

"Ro-Ro, I really don't know what I'm going to do," my voice broke, causing my words to be as quiet as a whisper. The nickname that I gave Rosie when we were little rolled off my tongue with the same desperation as a plea. In order to avoid Lando listening in on the full conversation, I had my headphones plugged into my laptop as I FaceTimed Rosie. I'm sure he was too busy on his simulator, or doing some sort of prep work for McLaren, to be interested in finding out what I was talking to my sister about.

Her lips pulled down in a frown, causing a dimple to form just above her right brow. I had confided enough of my problems with her before to know that she was concerned. "Lion, it'll be okay." Her nickname for me made my heart crack - I don't deserve a nickname. She had been calling me 'lion' for as long as I could remember because she quickly got sick of 'Lyra'. In her opinion, 'Lion' sounded cooler than my normal name and didn't contain any 'R's, which she struggled to pronounce at a young age.

"Will it?" I sniffled, brushing my wet cheek with the tips of my fingers. "I've fucked up majorly here. I can't see a scenario panning our where no one gets hurt."

"Well it isn't any good hurting yourself," she reasoned.

I shook my head. "Isn't any good? I deserve to feel like shit. I accidentally slept with my best friend whilst I've just started seeing another guy! What girl does that?"

"What happened, happened, and you can't change that. I can help you try and find away to minimise the damage." Rosie swallowed hard and her pale blue eyes looked glossy with tears.

Once again, I shook my head. The tears fell freely down my cheeks as I put my forehead in my hands. "I don't think I'll be able to get through it without breaking down. Gosh, I really hope he doesn't think I'm trying to get his pity if I cry."

"Don't overthink it," she said sternly, "you know you'll just work yourself into a state."

"I like Nicky so much, Ro-Ro. Like, really really like him."