i love you • formula one

31

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present day

~***~

friday, 11/09/2020

In the days following the break in, I continued to learn more about myself than I ever thought I could: I was afraid, but I put on a brave face; I was bruised, but I was slowly healing every day; I was angry, but I channeled it into becoming a better dancer. There was no point in trying to deny the way I was feeling. Every emotion was completely valid after the traumatic experience on that stormy Friday evening, however it was important that I didn't let these emotions define me. Even though I was afraid, bruised, and angry, I was also brave, healing, and bettering myself. No-one, not even Michael Parker, could take that away from me.

Another thing Michael Parker could never take away from me was those I love and those who love me in return. Finding something as valuable as love, whether platonic, familial, or romantic, was very very rare, which is why it is important to keep people you love and who love you, too, closer than anyone else. My mum, whilst we may not see eye to eye, she always delivers and has sacrificed so much for her family's happiness, and I love her. My dad, despite being away with with work, dropped everything to make sure I was safe, and I love him. My sister, Oli, Flo, Cissy, Cisca, Adam, Sacha... I love them all. Lando, even though we weren't talking, will always be one of the most important people in my life because he's my best friend, and I love him. Then there's Nicky... he's a one-in-a-million kind of guy, willing to go to the ends of the Earth just for me, incredibly kind and charming, and yet I don't love him. Why?

I know I should love Nicky. Every part of my body is just willing for me to love this man, but something's holding me back and I don't know what. Or do I?

Lando... it's always Lando. He's caused me pain, but also an indescribable amount of happiness that just tops anything else. Even when we're fighting and I'm supposed to be angry at him, I still feel an overwhelming amount of love for him that I just know deep down isn't platonic on my behalf. If I wasn't so stubborn, I'd concede despite not necessarily wanting to. I had always been supportive of his ambitions so it shouldn't be hard for him to do the same with me.

"You okay?" My mum asked for what felt like the millionth time. Today, I decided to take a huge step in retuning to normality and joined my mum on a trip to the local supermarket. It wasn't a lot, however just being out of the house knowing that he was walking free with a level three fine of one thousand pounds as the restraining order was processed was enough to make my stomach flip. They couldn't prove that the tracker found on Lando's car was linked to him, so that was the worst they could prosecute him with whilst they gathered more evidence. To move forward, it was important to take steps, no matter how small they were - progress is progress. There was an uneasy feeling in my throat that I tried to swallow down. I hated feeling anxious, but I knew that this was completely acceptable.

I let out a breathy chuckle, tucking my lower lip briefly between my teeth before turning to my mother. I wore my smile for her. "I'm fine, mum. Promise," I added when I noticed her eyebrows furrow slightly as if doubting me.  "I've got you and Ro with me - nothing's going to happen"