i love you • formula one

35

finally - the final (main) chapter! thank you all so much for sticking around to this point. i hope you find the ending satisfying as there will not be a sequel, however i will try and write some bonus chapters as glimpses into lyra's future. at the end of the chapter, there will be a place for you to leave any suggestions as to what you'd like to see.

for the final time this book, i reminding you to vote and comment throughout. your support really doesn't go unnoticed ❤️

~***~

My head was permanently held in shame and guilt for the entirety of the silent journey to the train station. There was no way that I'd be able to stay with Nicky, so I was thankful that Oli was willing to pick me up when my train eventually arrived into Bristol. Even when I knew that he was mad, Nicky remained a gentleman in the fact that he refused to let me travel alone to the train station for fear about my safety. When I was brave enough to catch a glimpse of his stony expression, I could see his cheek moving as he most likely chewed on the inside of it. This was far from the way the evening should've gone.

 I shouldn't have been so stupid as to lie to him. Nicky had told me countless times that he knew when I was lying, and I should've considered how his feelings would be hurt if he were to catch me in such a lie. Wanting to love him just wasn't enough. I hated how my heart belonged to the very person who's confession messed with my head. Do I really blame Lando, though? I was the root cause of everything that has happened and only afterwards did I realise that I should've done things differently: I should've been open with Nicky from the start about everything between Lando and I; I should've been honest with myself instead of trying to suppress any emotion that was remotely scary to me; I should've treated Nicky better.

The past cannot be changed, even though I would very much greet the chance of a do-over with open arms. Hindsight reveals as much pain as action and words, the beauty of what could have been without making every wrong decision taunting me. In the perfect situation, I would be in love with Nicky and my feelings would never be in doubt. 

When we pulled up in the almost empty car park, a miserable drizzle started, coating the windshield with small droplets. My focus was on the lights that lined the walkways as they were made to look hazy through the layer of water. I had so much I wanted to say to Nicky in apology but, as he had said, it would be too soon to try and work things out and salvage what's left of a friendship. 

"Let me know when you get home safely," Nicky's voice caught me by surprise. The hoarseness from the previous crying we had done from the pain I cause him cut through the silence. God, I'm an awful person. "After that, I'll let you know when I'm ready to speak again. I-I don't know how long it will be, I'm sorry."

I shook my head, feeling the corners of my eyes burn as no more tears remained to fall. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Take as long as you need, and I will completely understand if you never want to speak to me again."

Nicky pulled his lips into a tight line, the corners pointing upwards with a vague look of someone who had forgotten how to smile naturally. Nicky's smile was always so beautiful to me, but this one caused my chest to squeeze uncomfortably. "Good luck with your audition." It took a moment for his words to register. In all of the chaos, I had completely forgotten that I was supposed to be travelling back to London on Friday for my ballet audition as part of the programme I was enrolling with. "They'll be fools if they don't cast you as Odette and Odile."

"Thank you," I breathily replied. I reached my hand for the door, sensing that the only things left would be the goodbyes muttered as I closed to door behind me. My suitcase had been small enough to fit down by my feet so I didn't need to walk around to the boot of the car. My right hand gently gripped the handle of the suitcase as its wheels made contact with the concrete floor. The wind swept my hair to one side, allowing the fine rain to land on my warm skin. Before closing the door, I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth and looked at Nicky for the final time. For the first time since leaving his apartment, Nicky made eye contact with me. Behind the neutral expression, I could feel the hurt that I had put him through still radiating off him. "Goodbye, Nicky."