Jealous {Ongoing}

(part 37): Who are you?!

Jason POV

It's been a week since I left, my life isn't normal anymore, I'm a stupid mess, if I didn't leave, God knows what I would have done to myself or even Emily.

Love is my enemy and also, my weakness, I didn't know how it happened, I am losing my mind, I keep attacking innocent people for no reason, I went to the therapist but nothing was helping, I remember yelling at an old man for walking very slowly, I am a destroyer, haven't i been through so much in life?

I am not happy, I am a burden to everyone, and I guess I just had to leave, my inner devil is coming out all over again, something I can't keep inside, I am afraid, if I.. if anyone should get hurt because of me I won't forgive myself.

I just can't help it, I am a sadistic person, I don't deserve to live anymore.

Before i left, New York, I tried to injure myself, I tried to stab myself, watching all the blood flow out from my body all the pain, I endured it, but nothing, I just couldn't die.

No one knew. No one knew about my attempts, I kept them all inside.

I know most of you think I am only doing this for love, yes I love Emily, and she's my weakness, I am afraid of her hate and all, but most of all I'm afraid of myself.

It's hard to stay away from her, she says she's afraid of getting hurt, but being away from her is destroying me.

Every single day I see her i see the fear in her eyes, her puddle of tears that flows, but I'm too selfish to let her be.

All those things I didn't say, wretched love inside my heart.

I let my anger and jealousy grow, I let it all out, her cry makes me fret, then I am upset angry, and mad

But the monster in me won't let me be, I want to change, change for good.

That day when I saw her in that deserted area, I thought it was an imagination, just like every single day, I didn't believe she was there, even when she was yelling and crying, I thought it was all my mind.

I didn't want to believe she was the one, her tears were so painful, her screams and her cries were full of hurt and longing, it was too much, but that day I was about to turn my back and leave, assuring myself that I am alright.

But that one scream brought me back to reality, I looked back, and saw she was unconscious.

It was Emily

Her whole mouth covered with blood, I didn't want to panic, I shook her, but she wasn't waking up, I carried her to where my car was and took her to the hospital.

The only thing I knew was that I was going to get out of here, I needed to, if she didn't make it.. or if anything had happened to her, I would have killed someone, I'm a fucking beast.

I regret everything I've done. Emily doesn't know what I've been through, yes Im an alcoholic, but I don't drink for fun, alchol is the only solution to my problems, it takes the beast inside me, it makes me forget my mistakes.

Emily's life is so perfect, while mine is damaged, she.. never gets me, I watch as my cell phone rings everyday, I just want to pick and hear her voice, but I'm afraid.. I'm afraid of what she'll say.

Will she be happy I left? Will she thank me for leaving?

Right now I'm currently in Australia, trying to forget my problems, I wouldn't go to the therapist my new friend has been suggesting for me, I hate them, they don't know the pain I'm feeling and they want to help

"I'm sure Emily misses you Jason, and one day she will learn to love you" Dave said patting my back.

Dave too lived in Australia, he's in his early twenties, when I first came to Australia he was the first person that decided to help me, and saw how broken I was, he wouldn't even advise me to go and forget Emily, because he knows me, he knows my problems but he doesn't ask me plenty questions unlike the others, he doesn't get annoyed, when I start breaking things in the house.

Instead he calms me down and restrains me from taking alcohol, what other friend could you ask for?

I was just sitting on the couch, as the tears fell off my face. I'm a broken mess

Looking back to the misery I put her I feel bad, I feel guilty

"Promise?" I croak, and my voice is hoarse as I choke back the tears, I hate this.

He looked at me with pity before nodding his head

"But how do you think I can leave like this?"

"Give it time Jason, just give it time"

"What fucking time?!" I yelled, breathing heavily, I stood up "Do you think this is easy?!" I yelled "you think I'm normal?!" I carried an expensive vase and threw it on the floor watching it shatter

"Jason you need to calm down!" Dave yelled "yes yes" he chanted but I wasn't listening, as I flipped the table over breaking the plates that were on top of it.

I'm not Jason I'm a beast.

I flipped the cushions, carried a tumbler I went to the fridge in search of a wine, but Dave had hidden it somewhere "where is the wine Dave?!" I yelled

"Jason calm down, breath in and out"

"Don't tell me what to do!" I ran to his room, scattered everywhere in search of a wine, I opened his drawer, nothing was in there, removed his bed sheets, I scattered everywhere until his room was upside down but still there wasn't any wine

"Jason calm down" Dave yelled

This wasn't helping, this was what I've been suffering, I'm not in control of myself not anymore. My breaths were uneven, I glared at Dave, squeezing the tumbler in my hands with all my power, my veins were stretching.

Bam the glass broke in my hand, as the blood gushed out, I could feel the pressure of the glass, my eyes began to water.

Dave got angry, and went over to where I was, and punched me square on my jaw.

I was shocked, shocked enough to regain my senses back, Dave had never hit me before, sure he had gotten angry but he never dared to hit me, I guess he had enough, he held my shoulders "Jason we are going to a therapist tommorow" he stated.

"But.."

"No buts" he yelled "and from this time henceforth you will forget about Emily"

"I can't" I whispered, not looking him in the eyes

He looked at my hand and took a hold of it, showing it to me "is this what you want to do to your self?" He sighed and spoke camly "I know this isn't easy, but you need to try to forget"

I didn't talk, I've already made him angry, and he has helped me a lot.

"we are going to the hospital, and when we come back, you are going to rest, then tomorrow, we are going straight to a therapist"

I nodded "I will clean this mess"

"No" he stated "don't worry I've got it under control" he gave me the 'don't challenge look'

I nodded and left, I hate when he does this; always cleaning my mess for me, he always does it.

I wish I could call my mum, I need an advice.

I will never forget about Emily, she's found herself deep inside my heart, and that's where I will keep her, even if I am to move on I will never forget about her.

And that's a promise I will make

I went to my room about to wash off the blood, until, I see a mirror and my old pictures,

The person in the pictures looks so happy and free, the person is laughing, and flirting, the person never cry, The person can never beg a girl to accept him. The guy doesn't give two shit, The person is in a bar getting his ass drunk, he looks happy playing with his favorite guitar.

Then I look up at the person in the mirror; he has bags in his eyes showing he hasn't been sleeping well for days, his hair is messy, so many scars are on his face due to fighting, his hand is covered with blood, with blood shot red eyes, he looks broken and miserable, he looks as if he wants to end his life, he looks pained, he looks different, with the stubble growing on his face, his blue eyes, aren't gleaming anymore, there isn't any life in there, he looks lean, he looks like a monster.

"Who are you?" I asked the person in the mirror.

The real question is;

"who am I?"