Jealous {Ongoing}

(part 36): Realized feelings

One week later

Yup. It's been a week, a long dreadful and slow week, full of misery,

Is it true that you don't know the worth of someone or something until they leave?

Yup it's really true, I never valued him, I never even considered his feelings, I always insulted him to the point that he ran away, for good

He isn't coming back, all because of me.

I tried calling him over and over again but it still wasn't available, I don't know what I was hoping for, maybe for him to magically pick the call or something

I feel guilty

Jason was always a free guy, always funny, and now he says he is broken.

He says he is dangerous

He says he is shattered.

But what about me?

"Emily you need to stop stressing over this" jack said breaking into my thoughts

After I gave my friends the paper, since I had no guts to tell them, they didn't seem all surprised, they knew he had issues, and it needed to be sorted out.

But why did he have to run away?

"Do you know where he went to?" I asked for like the millionth time today.

Ever since they read it, I had a feeling that one of them knew where he went to

"Emily why do even bo.."

"Because I feel guilty Cedric. He.. he ran away because of me"

"So? He had that coming for.."

"Cedric will you just keep quiet?!" I yelled even though the strength I have had gone due to crying "I didn't even get a chance to say thank yo.."

"Is that what it's all about?!" Cedric yelled banging his fist on the table, making everyone shake, but I didn't shake, I'm sure I looked as pale as ever. With those red eyes

"Is that why you are crying all day? Ignoring your friends? Because you didn't get to say thank you?!" He shook his head "Emily you are a great liar" he spat and went out of Jason... My apartment.

Before the tears could spill again, I ran out of the living room to my room. Ignoring my friends calls, I locked the door and ran to my bed hugging my pillow to my chest.

I don't know why Cedric doesn't get it, I'm a mess.

Jason just left, I'm sure where ever he is, he's enjoying himself, sleeping with girls up and down. While I'm here crying like an emotional fool because I didn't say thank you to him.

I fought until I was the fool, until every word I said compounded insignificant, taking on weightless syllables that fizzled into nothing as if I hadn't said anything at all,

For a moment I let the silent thick crushed by insecurities, regretting my voice and also me, all of those things I said, those words mattered.

Fucking mattered.

If my words were like a nail piercing through your heart, then why bother loving me.

No matter how many times I say sorry, deep down you're still pained and broken, shattered like a lost soul.

Trust me I never meant to hurt you, and I'll never understand what you've been through. I was so hurt and angry, not knowing what it costs.

Jason please come back.

At least let me thank yo.....

Is that what this is all about?

Cedric voice came in, and to be honest I don't know wether that's what it is all about, I'm so confused right now, i can't control myself.

"What do you feel for me, Emily?" Jason asked sitting next to me

"Nothing" I said very coldy

"Really? Then why are you crying?"

"Because I didn't get to say thank you to you"

He sighed "Emily why do hate me?"

He asked and I didn't answer

"Emily please tell me"

No answer

"Emily please just let me know why you hate me, just tell me, I need to know, please tell me, Emily are you listening? Tell me please, tell me just tell me I need to know, tell me...."

"Because I fucking care, Jason" I blurted out "I FUCKING LOVE YOU, you forced me to, I have no choice, you pushed me to love you and here I am admitting my stupid feelings for you"

"I hate you because I love you, you are a walking disaster, a terrible one, and where ever you walk girls fall for you, and I guess I am one of those stupid girls" I said pointing my index finger at him

"You have brought nothing but confusion into my life, and I hate keeping my feelings intact, I'm tired, I see you but it's just an imagination Jason

This was one of the things I feared, that you would run away and that's exactly what you did! You think life is easy? News flash Jason it's not, you always find a way to make me cry, and yet you say those are not your intentions.

Stop running away from your fears. And face them, you always say my life is perfect but it's not Jason, in fact I've gone through a whole lot of trauma, that you can ever go through!!

You tell me that you are dangerous and I should stay away from you, you are so persistent Jason, so stop comparing yourself with me please just stop it!!, You've driven me crazy!!"

I wiped my tears, and spoke so low "please stop it"

I turned to where I saw him, and he wasn't there

I hate feeling this, I hate feeling so vulnerable, so miserable, he says he's a mess, then we both are, it took me so long to realize my feelings, but it's too late now, I can never have him.

There's a probability that he will meet someone who is a lot better than me, someone who won't break his heart, someone who will cherish him, and love him for who he is.

I don't know were to find him, I feel like I have been thrown out of his life, he kept trying and trying to convince me, but I was so stupid, naive and dum.

I guess my chance is over, he will be happy, maybe I shouldn't try to look for him, it will remind him of all the pain I've cost him.

I sighed as I went to the door and  unlocked it, meeting Rose there I hugged her, placing my head on her neck and crying bitterly, she patted my head

"Emily what's wrong?" She asked, but I didn't answer I kept on crying, until now Rose is the only person I can trust with this, I will have to tell her everything

"R..rose, where is everyone" I muffled sniffing

"I told them to go, that you needed some time alone"

"Rose I'm not wicked I swear" I cried

"It's okay, do you wanna talk about it" she asked

"Yes" I nodded and told her everything.

Let it all out