Helpless | A Modern Hamliza Story

Chapter Seven

A New Chapter

January 30, 2020

I write with complete sincerity when I say that these last few weeks have been insane. Just a few weeks ago, I started becoming extremely sick, so sick that I had to call in to work and stay at home for these last few weeks. I have been more nauseated and dizzy than ever before in my life, and haven't eaten much of anything. If I'm being quite honest, there's been a few moments where I've felt so sick I thought I was dying. 

Most of my days have been spent sleeping in my bed and getting up every few hours to hopefully keep some strength in my legs. If I wasn't sleeping, I was watching a movie or going through old photo albums and looking back at some of the best moments of my life: two from my childhood complete with my pictures of me with my sisters from infancy through high school, one from college, another of the relationship between my husband and I throughout college, and one from our wedding. It's amazing to look back on the old chapters in my life and look at where I am now.

Unfortunately, just a few days ago I was so weak and dizzy that when I got up to fill up my bottle of water, I passed out. My husband had called an ambulance for me, and I was brought to the hospital immediately. Blood tests were ran that evening and we got an answer the next day. We finally had an answer to the problem of my sickness for the past few weeks and the random onsets of sickness that were leading me to believe I may have been pregnant in other months.

I just mentioned how the time at home has forced me to look back on old chapters of my life and see where I have come. I didn't realize in those moments looking back at my life that a new and scary chapter was imminently crawling behind me.

The doctors told me that my blood tests showed an increase in a protein called CA19-9 in my bloodstream, which is a tumor marker for pancreatic cancer. An MRI was ordered, and once it was complete, my diagnosis was confirmed.

I have pancreatic cancer.

My husband and I have been coming to terms with the diagnosis. We were sent home yesterday after they decided that I was healthy enough to go home until my chemotherapy begins.

The doctors decided that a form of combination therapy would provide our best chances in beating the cancer. I will be taking Gemcitabine intravenously at each of my chemotherapy treatments as well as Capecitabine as a pill. The doctors assured me that it is one of the best combinations used in treating pancreatic cancer similar to mine. It is a lot of treatment that will be done in such a short time in hopes that I will only need three or four cycles of treatment.

I will be starting my chemotherapy treatment at New York Presbyterian next week. I'm scared out of my mind about everything that is to come. My overwhelming amount of treatments, the accompanying weight loss and sickness, and the potential hair loss that can occur with some patients on Gemcitabine. I'm especially distraught that this has put our journey to growing our family on hold, and wonder why it had to be me to get sick.

When I told Alexander that I was excited for 2020 and that I thought this could be our year for a child, fighting cancer was far from the list of things I thought I would be experiencing. 

Telling my sisters was the worst of it. I can't shake the look my younger sister gave me when she came over to drop off some soup she had made in hopes I would try to get it down.

They're both so worried for me. I didn't think I'd have to scare my family with the news of cancer at such a young age, or even think about putting my husband through this after only two years of marriage.