Helpless | A Modern Hamliza Story

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Helpless: Alexander Hamilton

December 22, 2022

December 18, 2022. That was the worst day of my life. I lost my best friend, my soulmate, the mother of my child, the sweetest woman in the world... It was the day I lost my wife.

Elizabeth Marie Hamilton only got thirty years of life on this earth, but damn, those thirty years were well spent. Eliza, as she preferred to go by, grew up as a loving daughter and sister. Her family would tell you she was the kindest person they know, even from as young of an age as two, and she really was.

As a teenager, Eliza felt the desire to help others. She was only able to participate in a few volunteer events at an earlier age, but once she turned sixteen, she got her license specifically so that she could get herself to any volunteering experience she wanted. I couldn't even begin to guess how many hours of volunteer service she gave. Eliza even continued this in college, bringing me and our friends with her. From food shelves to orphanages, Eliza was there. In fact, I think that her desire to help others who were not as blessed as she was growing up was what attracted me to her in the first place. You know, besides that gorgeous face of hers.

Eliza also spent her thirty years well in the career of her choice. She chose to become a teacher for special needs children at one of our local elementary schools. Her impact on those children is insurmountable. I mean, these are only three of the ways Eliza spent her thirty years on earth to the fullest. I could go on and on about her and how well spent those thirty years, but that would be pointless.

Eliza, or as I liked to call her, darling, sweetheart, my love, was the best woman I have ever known. Only she could look at me our freshman year of college after I sat pouring out my life story to her and say, "I love you and want to spend forever with you."

And my God, at eighteen we thought forever meant another seventy or eighty years. We thought that we would be old and in love, watching over our grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Forever for us meant twelve years together, and just barely five years of marriage. The best twelve years of my life. 

I always thought that Eliza was the best wife anyone could ask for, and I will always believe that she was. Nothing prepared me for when we had our sweet son, Philip, and suddenly I realized that a near-perfect woman could come even closer to perfection.

Eliza was an even better mother. I'm going to be completely honest and say that I don't know how we're going to survive without her. It's only been four days since we last held her hand and talked to her, but I am already feeling like a failure to Philip.

I don't feel like getting on the ground and playing with him, just lying in bed all day, with or without him. I feel so guilty that I have been relying on her family to help with Philip as I wallow in self-pity and mourning. I should be able to be there for him. That poor child is probably confused that he hasn't seen his mother in four days. Why can't I provide him some sense of normalcy?

I was so excited that Philip began saying mama around two months ago when Eliza was told that she wasn't going to survive. All I wanted as I picked Philip up that day and brought him to the hospital where Eliza was at was for her to get to hear him say that. How I wish she would have been able to hear him say that he loves her. I know just how much she loved him. She looked at him like he is the most beautiful child in the world, like his existence made her happier than ever.

The night I lost the best thing that's ever happened to me, I was still next to her. That whole day I was next to her, with Philip in my arms. I am forever grateful that I was given a little longer with her even after she was gone, before they took her away.