Butterflies (Lociet)

Janus, loop 13

T.W.: talk of death/murder, panic attack

"LOGAN!" I screamed, bolting up in my bed.

I prayed to any god that could hear me that time had reversed and Logan was okay. I ran out of my room, nearly running over Patton as I sprinted to Logan's room.

"Logan!" I yelled, pounding on his door.

"Janus?" Logan opened the door, "what-!?"

I cut him off by hugging him, crying into his shoulder.

"Janus? Are you okay?" Logan asked, hugging me back.

I shook my head, gripping onto his shirt. Logan rubbed my back gently.

"Hey kiddos, are you okay?" Patton asked.

"I believe Janus had a nightmare." Logan said.

The word 'nightmare' sent a shiver up my spine. Logan held me a bit tighter.

"Oh dear!" Patton gasped. I heard him set down a plate, "I'll make you some hot chocolate."

Patton gave my shoulder a squeeze before heading back to the kitchen.

"Janus," Logan said, "do you want to talk about it?"

I shrugged lightly.

"Come here." Logan gently pulled me up, guiding me to his bed, "look at me. What happened?"

I choked on a sob, "I-I was sparring with Roman, and you showed up. Then the n- the nightmares attacked and we ran, but I tripped and you cought me... But I still had the sword and-"

I bit back a sob, "I killed you."

Logan held my cheek, "It was just a nightmare Jan-"

"No!" I yelled, "I'm stuck in a time loop! I actually killed you..."

"Jan, it's okay." Logan said, pulling me into a hug, "that was a different timeline. I'm still alive now."

I nodded, crying into his shoulder. Logan ran his hands through my hair.

"Kiddo?" Patton walked into the room, "I got you your hot chocolate."

"Thank you Patton," Logan told him, "I'll take it for him. He might be too shakey to hold it."

"Alright." Patton said, "you'll be okay kiddo. If you need anything else I'll be in the kitchen making some cookies."

Patton left again. I gripped Logan's shirt tighter. It almost didn't feel real. I watched Logan die yesterday, and now he's alive again.

"Jan?" Logan whispered, "your hot chocolate is starting to get cold."

I nodded, pulling away slightly. Logan handed me the hot chocolate, holding my hands to keep them from shaking.

"Janus? Just breathe." Logan said, "everything's okay."

I shuddered, "I'm scared..."

"Of what?" Logan asked.

"The nightmares." I whispered, "I'm scared they'll come back."

"They won't. They showed up due to specific events. If you avoid that, then they won't come." Logan said.

I gripped my cup tighter, "I don't wanna kill you again..."

"Janus, that's not going to happen." Logan brushed a stray year off my cheek.

My breathing started to pick up as a realization hit me.

"I killed you." I panted, "I'm a murderer!"

"No, Janus, you're not-" Logan tried to calm me.

"I killed you Logan!" I gasped, "that makes me a murderer! I'm a murderer!"

"Janus, I need to to look around and name five things you see." Logan said.

"I-I can't!" I sobbed, shaking so much my hot- now cold -chocolate was spilling over the cup.

"Janus, breathe with me." Logan grabbed my face, "in for four."

I shakily sucked in a breath.

"Hold for seven." Logan whispered.

My hands stopped shaking.

"Out for eight." Logan sighed.

I exhaled, feeling more grounded than before.

"Are you feeling calmer now?" Logan asked.

I nodded, "thanks..."

Logan smiled softly, "now, we are going to stay here and relax for the rest of the day."

I looked up at him, "but you have to go to the library-"

"I can do that tomorrow." Logan interrupted, "right now you need some comfort."

"But I-" I started.

"You are not a murderer." Logan said, "as far as everyone in this timeline knows, nothing happened."

"But it happened to me. It was real for me!" I sobbed.

"But it never happened." Logan explained, "not here at least."

Logan pulled be into a hug, setting my coco to the side. I curled into his chest. Logan felt safe and secure. And I was so unsure of everything. I didn't like being this vulnerable.

"Janus, everything is going to be okay." Logan whispered.

"Falsehood." I mumbled.