Butterflies (Lociet)

Janus, loop 21

T.W.: talk of suicide

I woke up in my bed with a jolt.

"NO!" I screamed, throwing my pillow at the wall, "GOD-FUCKING-DAMNIT!"

I hugged my legs, crying into my knees. I failed.

"You okay kiddo?" Patton opened my door, plate of Pattoncakes in hand.

"No!" I sobbed, "I'm not fucking okay!"

"What's wrong? What happened?" Patton asked, quickly pulling me into a hug, "talk to me Jan."

"I tried- I tried to kill myself." I mumbled into his shoulder.

"Oh Janus, why?" Patton started smoothing down my hair.

I shook my head, letting out a sob.

"Okay, it's okay Jan." Patton whispered, "you're safe here. You're okay."

I clung to Patton's shirt, "I don't know what to do anymore."

"We'll figure it out, it's okay." Patton told me.

I nodded. We fell into a comfortable silence. Patton started rocking us back and forth.

"Kiddo?" Patton asked, "did you... hurt yourself?"

I shook my head, "no."

"Alright." Patton nodded, "you know you're like my son right? I love you Jan. I want to help you when you're hurting like this."

"I know Patton." I whispered.

"Okay." Patton sighed, "I'm gonna call Logan to keep an eye on you while I make you some coco, is that okay?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Alright." Patton smiled softly, "how are you feeling after everything?"

I shrugged, "I don't know... Just... Overwhelmed."

"Is it cause of what Roman said?" Patton asked.

"No no!" I sat up, "no, Roman checked with me to make sure it wasn't too much. It's just... I feel like the days have been repeating themselves over and over again... And I had a nightmare."

"A nightmare?" Patton asked.

I took a shakey breath, "I had a nightmare that I... I murdered- I killed Logan."

"Oh kiddo, that must have been horrible." Patton told me, "do you need to talk about it more?"

I shrugged, "maybe?"

"Talk to me Jan." Patton hummed.

"We were running from nightmares in the Imagination." I started, "I had a sword from sparring with Roman. We were almost home, I tripped and Logan caught me. I stabbed him. I murdered him."

I sobbed into Patton's shirt as he hugged me tighter.

"Oh kiddo, it's okay." Patton whispered.

I shook my head, "I'm a murderer."

"No, it was just a dream." Patton told me, "and even if it was real, it was an accident. You aren't a murderer."

"I-I'm not?" I sniffed.

"No." Patton said, "it was an accident."

"A-an accident?" I whispered.

Patton nodded. There was a knock on my door.

"Patton? Janus? Is everything alright?" Logan asked, opening the door.

Patton nodded, "I just wanted you to keep an eye on Jan while I make him some coco."

Logan nodded, "alright."

Patton moved away from me, squeezing my shoulder as he left. Logan came to sit by me.

"Janus? What happened?" Logan asked quietly.

"I... I tried to kill myself." I mumbled.

"Oh Jan..." Logan pulled me into a hug, "what happened?"

"I went to the Subconscious and jumped off the cliff." I whispered.

Logan's eyes went wide, "Janus... How did you survive?"

I shrugged, "I don't know. I hit the rocks. I should be dead."

"Well, I'm glad you're not." Logan said, holding my cheek.

"Why?" I asked.

Logan gave me a small smile, "because I have deep romantic feelings for you."

I felt my heart skip a beat, "w-what?"

Logan took a deep breath, "I love you Janus."

I let out a small laugh, holding his hand, "I love you too Logan."

Logan smiled, inching forward, "may I... May I kiss you?"

I nodded. The gap between us closed as I felt his lips on mine. The kiss only lasted a moment or two, but it was the best moment of my life.

"Aww!" Patton giggled, making us jump.

"P-patton!" Logan stammered.

Patton smiled, "sorry kiddos, you two are just so cute!"

Logan and I both blushed. Patton handed me the coco.

"I'm gonna go make cookies to celebrate you two!" Patton laughed.

"That's not necessary Patton-" Logan tried, but Patton was already out the door.

I chuckled, "there's no stopping Patton from making cookies."

Logan smiled softly, "there really isn't."

I rested my head on his shoulder. We got together. The time loop should end today. I smiled. I'm finally free.