Butterflies (Lociet)

Janus, loop 20

T.W.: suicide

I woke up to the same knock I've heard twenty times. At this point I just didn't respond.

Patton opened my door slightly, "kiddo? You awake?"

I shrugged. I hadn't been sleeping well for the past week, but I always fell asleep by midnight and the loop restarted again when I woke up.

Patton walked in and set the Pattoncakes on my nightstand, "are you feeling okay kiddo?"

I pulled my blanket tighter around me, "no..."

"Oh no! Why?" Patton asked, sitting on my bed.

"I h-had a nightmare." I said, my voice pinched, "I k- I killed Logan. But it felt so real. Like I could actually feel his blood on my hands- and the look he gave me-"

I cut myself off with a sob, burying my face in my blankets.

"Oh kiddo!" Patton hugged me, "that sounds horrible!"

"It felt so real." I whispered.

"I know kiddo." Patton rubbed my back, "but it was just a nightmare."

I nodded reluctantly.

"I'll let you get some rest now." Patton said.

"Patton?" I said, making him pause, "thank you for everything you've done for me."

Patton smiled softly, "no problem kiddo."

I nodded as Patton left my room. I had still been trying to cope with what happened last week. Trying to cope with feeling like a murderer. Being a murderer.

I killed someone. I killed the person I love. How fucked up is that? Sometimes I want to die, just to stop feeling.

"Janus?" Logan knocked on my door.

"H-hey Logan." I quickly wiped away my tears.

"Patton told me you had a nightmare?" Logan walked over and sat on my bed.

I nodded. Logan hugged me.

"Well, would you like to accompany me to the library today?" Logan asked.

"I-I-I don't-" I stammered.

"Janus, it'll be okay." Logan took my hand, "we can teleport straight to the village."

I slowly nodded, "okay..."

Logan smiled softly, "alright. I'll be in the kitchen when you're ready."

I nodded as he left the room. I hadn't been out of my room in a week. Sighing, I got up and got dressed.

I was about to make my way to the kitchen, but I paused, looking at Romans room.

~~~

"I'm just saying that deodorant isn't that bad for you!"

"It's literal poison! I-!"

I walked into the room to see Virgil, facedown on the table with Remus sitting next to him.

"Hey J-anus!" Remus grinned as I put my plate in the sink, "where's your hat?"

"Remus." Logan gave him a pointed look.

"Its fine Lo." I told him, "that's how he shows his love."

Remus grinned and chuckled.

"And speaking of love," I turned to Virgil, "no one's going to be upset with you two."

Virgil blushed, curling in on himself.

"Are you ready Jan?" Logan asked.

I nodded, "I'm ready."

Logan smiled, "alright."

Logan took my hand and started guiding me to the village. I felt panicked as I walked, the memories of nightmares flashing in my vision.

"Janus." Logan told me, "we're here."

I looked up to see the library. How long had we been walking?

We walked in and were greeted by the Teacher character.

"Hello class!" Teacher smiled.

"There is no class here." Logan sighed.

"Ah, well." Teacher sighed, "what can I do for ya?"

"I'm just returning some books." Logan said, setting a few books on the counter.

"Alrighty!" Teacher smiled, starting to check the books in, "so how have you two traits been?"

"We've been good. Jan had a nightmare so we're taking a walk." Logan explained.

"Oh dear!" Teacher exclaimed, "well feel free to relax here in the library. We have a coffee machine in the back."

Logan nodded and took my hand again. He lead me back to the lounge, where beanbags were plopped around tables.

"Are you okay Jan?" Logan asked, looking into my eyes.

I felt guilt build up in my throat as I shook my head. How could I have killed such an innocent life? What's wrong with me?

"Janus? What's wrong?" Logan took both my hands.

"I'm sorry." I sobbed, pulling away, "I'm so sorry."

"Janus!" Logan yelled as I ran out of the library.

I ran out of the village, heading towards the Subconscious.

The Subconscious was an ocean of memories, a reflection of everything Thomas was. It was surrounded by cliffs as far as you could see, save for one small path that lead down to the rocky beach. But I went to the tallest cliff.

It was cloudy and sea spray soaked my clothes as I stated down at the dark waters below. I fell to my knees, tears blending in with the salt water trickling off my face.

"Janus!" Logan yelled, everyone else behind him, "what are you doing here!?"

"I'm sorry." I cried, shakily standing to my feet, "I can't take this anymore."

"Take what anymore?" Patton asked.

"Everything!" I sucked in a quick breath, "I can't take this time loop! I can't take living the same day over again! I can't take the fact I-I murdered someone! I killed Logan! I'm a murderer..."

"Janus, just step away from the edge, we can talk about this." Roman told me.

"We'll help you Jan, just come here." Virgil called.

"Please Jannie?" Remus pleaded, holding Virgil's hand tightly.

I shook my head, "there's no point. It's useless."

"Janus?" Logan reached his hand out, "please?"

I glanced down at the rocks below before looking back at everyone.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

I heard everyone's screams as I fell back.

Time seemed to slow down as I fell through the sea spray. I couldn't even hear the waves crashing against the rocks.

I felt my body hit the rocks, but there was no pain. Just relief. My last thought as my head cracked against the rocks was...

"I'm finally free."