Can you really just be friends if you're having sex? Of course! While you're dealing with frustrations, you enlist your friend Bucky Barnes to help ease you, but only as friends, no strings attached. Just two friends helping each other out.
The sun shone brightly as Bucky stood over the grave. Inside him everything felt grey. He had been coming out here for the last month since the bunker.
Surrounded by quiet, his compulsion to stand here was a self inflicted penance. A reminder of the horrible acts that were done by him or because of him. He lived with the vivid memory of every kill, playing over and over again: Tony's parents, Nate's father, Nate, so many others.
I am not worth this. Shaking the ghosts from his head. This was my fault, as he looked over the grave.
I caused all of this. The winter soldier was a monster who would never let me go. I am the monster.
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Everyday he worked toward becoming a better person, to somehow try to give back for all that he had took. Hydra control or not, the blood was on his hands. Your blood was on his hands.
Someone would always be coming for me and maybe I deserved it.
He lived with more pain than was bearable most days. The bunker was a reminder that everything he loved he would always have to fight to keep or lose. And whoever loved him would always be in harm's way.
Agony coursed through him and he felt, even for all the good he's done, he was no longer worthy to keep anything. How could he keep love? Look what loving him does, it only causes pain and blood.
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How could I have even dared to want anything, especially love? I didn't deserve it, still standing in quiet contemplation.
Out loud Bucky whispered, "I don't deserve her. I never did." And with that he laid the lilies on the grave and would sit for awhile like always.
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