No Regrets (a Hunger Games Fan Fiction)

26. She's Haunting Me

I wrench my eyes open, sitting up and gasping for air.I bring my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them, rocking back and forth. It wasnt't real. But it feltso real. But it wasn't.

Relief, that's what I feel mostly. Fear and paranoia takes up about 20% of my brain, but the relief that the dream wasn't real is so intense that it's all I focus on.

Tears of relief fall from my eyes, traveling quickly onto my face and falling onto my knees. I've never felt so weak, so helpless, before in my life. Do I have reason to? Yes. Should I let it out this way? Yes. Do I want to? No. But it looks like I don't have a choice.

"Cynth?" I look up and see Adam getting up and walking over to me. It's still his watch, apparently. "Are you okay?"

I contemplate that for a minute. "Are you okay?" What a stupid question. The answer is almost always no, but we all say yes. "No." I whisper. We all say yes most of the time.

"What happened? Did I not see someone? What-"

"No." I whisper again, cutting him off. "She's haunting me."

"The girl you ki-the girl from District Seven?" He asks me, concerned. And then he sits down next to me.

"Yes."

"Can you tell me?" He asks, his voice gentle. His voice is never gentle.

"Yes."

"Do you want to?" He whispers again with that gentle voice, resting his hand on top of mine.

"No." I whisper, and it's barely audible.

"Okay. You don't have to." Adam says reassuringly, and then he takes his hand off mine, and starts to stand.

"No." I say, grabbing his jacket sleeve.

He shrugs. "Okay, but let me wake Rikki up so there's someone watching." Then he walks over and wakes Rikki up, whispering something in her ear. She nods and sits up, watching the dark forest ahead of us and Adam walks back over to me and sits down.

"Can't kiss your boyfriend anymore if you don't have lips." In the dream when she said that, I was confused. I didn't have a boyfriend; who was she talking about? But now I understand. And don't call me stupid for not knowing; I was dying in the dream, after all. Can you think clearly while you're dying? At least not in my dreams. Not in my nightmares.

I don't know what made me do it. Was it instinct? A subconscious thought? Both? I don't know. But for one second, I managed to accomplish my goal. I didn't think. For one second, I didn't see flashbacks of my nightmare or killing her. But in that second, I flung myself at Adam. But not in the way you're thinking. In one second my arms were around his neck, and I was sobbing into his jacket.

"Cynth? What-" He starts to ask, but he stops himself. And then slowly, ever so slowly, he brings his arms around me. "I'm sorry." He whispers in my ear.

You shouldn't be sorry, Adam. It's not your fault that I killed her. That I let her death get to me. You shouldn't be apologizing. I want to say that, desperately, but when I open my mouth no words come out.

What if Rikki's watching us now? That thought occurs to me. But I honestly don't care. I'm too upset and tired. You know the feeling, when you get so tired and upset at everything that you don't give a fuck, no matter what it is. Someone could try and kill me right now and I would probably let them. Because right now, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck that Rikki could be watching, that the cameras could be on me, and that the tiny part of me that can make sense of things right now is screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!".

Part of me also wonders what Adam's thinking right now. Does he think I'm weak? Stupid? An over-emotional teenage girl? Then I remember that I don't care.

But I do.