Ikaw pa rin ang Pipiliin

Eight

"Ate, andyan na naman po si kuya Dominic," Khiara informed me as soon as she got inside my room. "Kausapin mo na kasi ate para maayos niyo na 'yung problema niyo or 'yung pinagawayan niyo."

"I don't want to see him for the mean time, Khiara," I coldly told her. "Pauwiin mo na siya. Pakisabi na rin na ayaw ko muna siya makita, makausap, mahawakan o marinig man lang 'yung boses niya."

"Naninibago ako sa'yo, ate. Hindi ka naman ganito," Khiara voiced out. "You'd always talk to him and set things straight para hindi lumaki. But now that kuya's the one who wants to talk, your pu–."

"Wala kang alam, Khiara!" I snapped, my voice breaking as I said her name.

I looked at her. She was shocked, I know. Sino ba naman hindi magugulat kapag biglang sisigaw 'yung kinakausap mo ng mahinahon 'di ba? But there was fear in her eyes. And so was sadness. She knew I wasn't the sister I always was. I noticed her hands were shaking a bit. I closed my eyes to stop the tears from falling and took a deep breath.

"Just. Just leave me alone and tell him what I told you to," I gently said and laid down on my bed again.

I placed the blanket over me. My tears finally escaped my eyes as I heard the door close. I hugged my pillow tight, letting the sadness and pain control my entire body. I was shaking as the scene replayed in my head. It's been more than a week since I caught him fucking Eunice in his condo. It may have been that long but the pain just kept on growing inside me. My family, friends, and workmates have been wondering why I've been so lifeless but I never said a word about it to anyone. I decided to keep it to myself because I didn't want anyone to judge him or hate him.

My silent cries slowly turned into shuddering sobs. Siguro hindi ko na napigilan kasi I've been concealing it ever since. My limit's up and now, I just want it all out. I screamed into my pillow, letting out the anger, pain, sadness, betyral, and doubts. Bakit mo 'yun nagawa sa'kin, Dominic? Bakit nagawa mo kong lokohin? How could you break the promise you made to me? How could you? I screamed once again into my pillow, gripping it tight until I could feel it ripping apart.

"Kelsey, anak! Bakit ka sumigaw? Anong problema?" alalang tanong ni mama pagkabukas niya ng pinto ko.

I stifled my sobs to myself and pretended to be asleep. I tried controlling my shudders but I guess they didn't want to be hidden anymore. Napansin siguro ni mama na umiiyak ako kasi bigla na lang niya ako niyakap sa likod. She hugged me so tight, which just made me sob even more. Her warmth comforted me. Her hug made me think that it's okay to cry, that it's okay to be weak, that it's okay not to be okay because she's here for me.

"Iiyak mo lang 'yan, anak. Iiyak mo lang kung ano man 'yang nagpapasakit sa'yo," she told me sympathetically. "Andito lang si mama, anak. Handa siyang makinig sa'yo kapag handa ka ng magsabi."

I just nodded thrice and continued crying. Marahan niyang hinahaplos 'yung buhok ko habang tinatapik 'yung hita ko, just like how a mother makes her baby fall asleep. My convulsive sobs were slowly becoming controllable. My eyes felt tired after all the crying. I stared into the silent nothingness as my sobs stopped and my eyes were already half-closed. And just like that, I went out like a light.

Pagkabukas ko sa aking mga mata ay nakita ko si mama na nakaupo sa swivel chair ko. Dahan dahan ako umupo sa kama ko at mahinang tinapik ang kamay ni mama. Nagising naman siya agad at ngumiti nang nakita ako. Tumayo siya mula sa silya para mayakap ako ng mahigpit. I smiled as I felt the warmth of her love. Totoo nga 'yung sabi ng iba na kahit hindi ka magsalita, alam ng inyong ina kung ano bumabagabag sa isip mo.

"Hindi ko alam kung ano talaga 'yung tiyak na rason kung bakit kayo nagaway ni Dominic, anak," mahinang banggit ni mama. "Pero alam kong nagaway kayo. At alam ko rin na malaki ang rason ng pagaaway niyo. Hindi kita pipilitin na magsabi sa'kin ngayon kasi nakikita ko namang sobra ka pang nasasaktan. Pero hihintayin ko na maging handa ka."