Ikaw pa rin ang Pipiliin

Nineteen

  I stared at the envelope for a few more minutes before finally letting go of it. Hindi ako nakaimik agad and just continued staring at the name printed on the envelope.

  I felt my eyes starting to tear up kaya agad ako tumingin sa taas at bumuntong hininga. I didn't want to see him breakdown. I need to pretend to be okay para hindi na siya mag-alala, if ever he does.

     "Kels? Are you okay? Namumutla ka kasi," tanong ni Dom sa'kin. "I know it's kind of a shock, informing you this kahit hindi pa tayo officially naghiwalay."

     "H-huh? Y-yeah, I'm fine. Just a little shocked, yeah, that's all," I lied and forced a smile. Sa impyerno ata ako mapupunta neto sa sunod sunod na pagsisinungaling ko. "Anyways, congratulations! Naghiwalay man kayo ng walong taon, kayo pa rin ang ending ng isa't-isa. If that isn't an example of two persons meant to be together, I don't know what is."

     "Kels, I know it's not okay with you," he said. "You don't have to lie. Sampalin mo ko, tadyak-tadyakan mo ko, saktan mo ko, gawin mo. I'll accept all the pain you'll give me. Para kahit papano, the guilt I feel will fade somehow."

     "I'm fine, Dom. I was expecting kasi na ikaw ang uuwing luhaan between sa'ting dalawa. But turns out, ako na naman. Ako na lang palagi," I bitterly joked with a faint laugh. "Anyways, go and be happy with Eunice and your soon to be child, Dom. Take care of your family, okay? Stop your foolish acts already and prepare to be a good father. That's all. Mauna na akong umalis."

  I stood up and didn't look back at him or else, I might regret whatever will happen next kung lilingon ako. Lumabas ako ng Starbucks at dumiretso na sa may highway para pumara ng taxi ng biglang may yumakap sa'kin ng napakahigpit.

     "Kels, I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry," he apologized as he hugged me tight.

     "Stop it, Dom. Please, let me go," I begged him, controlling myself not to cry. "Kailangan ko ng umuwi. Baka hinahanap na ako nila mama."

     "I'm so sorry, mahal. I'm so sorry for breaking you, for hurting you, for disregarding your feelings, for shattering your trust into tiny million pieces, for impregnating another woman other than you," he sobbed heavily. "I'm sorry, Kelsey. I'm so sorry. If pwede ko lang ibalik ang panahon, I would. I'd go back to the time na okay pa tayong dalawa, 'yung masaya tayo sa isa't-isa.

     "Alam ko wala akong karapatan para hilingin na bumalik tayo sa dati dahil sa ako 'yung nanloko, ako 'yung nanakit, at ako 'yung naghanap ng iba. Pero mahal, please do believe me when I say that I loved you so much, and I still do. Kung hindi lang nangyari lahat ng 'to, I'd never agree to marry her kasi ikaw ang mahal ko. I'm sorry mahal if hindi ko na matutupad 'yung mga pangako ko sa'yo ha? I'm sorry if pinako ko lahat ng mga 'yun. I'm sorry if I can't be the man you thought I would be, the man who'd fight for you until the end."

  I turned around and hugged him tight, burying my face on his chest. My tears wouldn't stop falling despite my eyes being closed. I clenched the back of his shirt tight, trying to let all the pain out there. He was crying, too, but he wouldn't show it because he knows he needed to be the strong one between the two of us. He kissed my forehead and took a deep breath.

  "I'm sorry if all I can do is apologize right now. I'm sorry if it took me so much time before I got the courage to face you again, only to tell this heartbreaking news. Hindi ko kasi alam kung paano ko kakayanin kung iiyak ka, kung magwawala ka, or kung bubugbugin mo ko. I wasn't ready to let go of you, of us. I'm sorry if I wasn't strong enough to fight for us. I'm so sorry, Kelsey. Alam ko ang kapal ng mukha ko para sabihin 'to but I hope you well in life. I wish all the happiness in the world for you kasi 'yun ang deserve mo mahal. Sana dumating 'yung lalaking mamahalin ka ng buong buo at ng buong katapatan, 'yung lalaking hindi ka gagaguhin tulad ng ginawa ko. 'Yung lalaking hindi maghahanap ng iba para lang masabing masaya siya. At higit sa lahat, 'yung lalaking ipaglalaban ka hanggang sa huli, no matter what happens. I'm sorry if I failed you, Kelsey. I'm really sorry."