𝐷𝑒𝑎𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑒~ 𝐵.𝐵𝑎𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑠

THIRTY THREE

"Your hair." Is the first thing that Bucky says as we settle in his apartment, we were sat on the floor against the wall and he hadn't looked away from the bright locks laying by my face. "Yeah, I'm trying something new." I say my fingers combing through it, "it's nice, you look pretty, not that you don't always look pretty because you do, but it suits you." He rambles his cheeks flooding with read causing him to look away and making me smile.

"I can't believe I just bumped into you like that, I mean how crazy is it that you happened to choose the apartment opposite mine?" I ask in disbelief, "what were you even doing here?" He asks and I become a bit flustered as I turn my head so that I'm facing forwards, do I tell him the truth that I was indeed looking for him, or would that scare him off?

"Well... I have been looking for you." I admit turning my face to the side so that I could watch his brows raise in surprise, "also I'm running from the team, I'm embarrassed, I wasn't there with them when I should've been and I can't face them. I am such a disappointment I-"

"God Rosie, why do you always do this? You put yourself down all the time, and I hate it, you're so amazing, more than amazing. I don't even have the words to describe how truly special you actually are. You've been one of the most remarkable people I have ever met since the first time that I ever laid eyes on you." My mouth parts in surprise not expecting that outburst but I feel my heart warm as I look into Bucky's eyes to see that he was speaking from his heart, and that he meant every word that he had just said. He shrinks back into himself, "I uh I'm sorry." He murmurs rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

I smile at him, for a second there I saw the old Bucky, the one who had loved me more than anything and wanted me to know it. "Thank you." I say softly as I reach for his hand. His cheeks heat up as he smiles back. "I remember, not everything but so much more than I had before." I smile encouragingly and squeeze his hand, "that's great. How do you feel about it?" Again his face shifts in surprise he probably expected me to ask what he had remembered but I didn't, I was curious but I cared more about how he was dealing with it.

"It's uh weird, I feel like two different people at the same time. I remember everything I did these past seventy odd years but then I remember the person that I used to be, I don't think I can be that man again." He says, "which man?" I question, he pauses for a second, "either of them, I never want to do what I've spent the last seventy years doing again, but I don't think I can be that happy charming man that I once was." I intwine our fingers, "that's ok, we'll find who you are now." I assure him, a ghost of a smile appears on his face as he stares into my eyes. "I don't deserve you." He murmurs, "I don't deserve you, you're not the only one that's changed Bucky, I'm not that sweet girl I used to be either." He shakes his head, "you'll always be that sweet girl to me." I shuffle closer and then rest my head on his shoulder, "and you'll always be that charming man to me."

• • •

"Dance with me." I suggest grabbing the bags from Bucky's arms as he enters the apartment. "What?" He asks me with a small confused laugh, "dance with me." I repeat putting the food away and then holding my hand out to him, "there's no music." He protests but I shrug grab his hands and pull him closer to me, "that can be easily arranged." I tell him placing one of his hands on my waist and one of mine on his shoulder, our free hands finding each other.

I start to hum before I'm full out singly softly as we move, "you have the voice of an angel." He hums a small smile on his face, "thank you." I smile up at him, "can you sing some more?" I nod before stepping closer to him and resting my head on his shoulder. My eyes flutter shut as I sing for him the both of us swaying gently.

"We danced like this, the night before I shipped off for the war." Bucky says suddenly, "we did." I confirm pulling away slightly so that I could see his face, "we danced for hours until eventually we were just stood there holding each other." I nod as he continues to describe yet another memory resurfacing. "I didn't want to let you go." He says, I look up and smile as I brush his hair from his face, "letting go of you was maybe the hardest thing I've ever done in my life." I tell him.

"I'm never letting go of you again." He says making me blush, "you better not." I say with a teasing smile. "I wouldn't ever dream of it." As much as I wished it to be true this wasn't the first time that I'd heard these words from this exact man and look how that ended up. I know that he meant it but there was no guarantee that two of us could stay together forever.

"Rose." I glance back up, "do you still love me?" That question sends a wave of panic through me, what did I say? I know Bucky had been doing so good but I didn't want to confuse him by trying to force my feelings on him or anything. "I'm sorry that was a dumb question." He says after noting my hesitance, "no it's ok, I... yes I still love you, I always will." I admit, his eyes fill with tears, "I don't deserve your love." He tells me sadly looking away making my heart ache.

"Hey what are you talking about of course you deserve my love." I say trying to get him to look back at me, "I'm not a good person." He murmurs. I place my hand on his cheek and make him look at me, "listen to me, you James Buchanan Barnes are one of the best people I've ever met. The things that you did that's not your fault, that wasn't you." He shakes his head but I don't let him speak, "Bucky I mean it, you are a good man and your past it doesn't matter." He nods, "they told me I was helping make the world a better place." He whispers close to tears, "it's ok Bucky." I tell him as a tear spills over and rolls down his cheek. "Was it your idea to do the things that you did?" I question making him look at me in shock and shake his head, "then it doesn't matter, you did what you had to do, you didn't know anything, you were being tortured, and you had no control over yourself. It would only matter if you had done those things happily with no remorse then I'd be a bit concerned, but you're fine, you're still a good man." He smiles at me appreciatively as I wrap my arms around him.

"Thank you." He whispers as he buries his face in my neck, I hold him tighter wanting to shield him from everything else.