Live Through the Pain - Kagehina Angst

Chapter twelve - Siblings

Hinata POV

My heart feels like its breaking in two...Oh god why..
Hah...what a stupid question...of cours I know why.

It's because she's gone.
She's gone and she's never coming back.
I wonder....was it the flames that finished her off? or maybe...it was the pressure...Most likely, she bled out...
Bit by bit. The dark red liquid seeping out of her and draining her of every ounce of life she had left....

I should stop thinking about this...But I can't.
I can't get it out of my head. It's constantly playing on loop. There isn't even a body to burn...wow that's ironic..sort of. I guess the fire did that part already.

What's wrong with me?
Too many things.
I can't fix them.
So I'm not even going to try.
It takes too much energy.
Too much energy.
I'm tired.
I'm really tired.
I should go to sleep now.

I need to stop thinking about this.
But I can't....

I just can't.

I didn't even have the energy to sob. Warm tears dripped past my chin as I gazed longingly at the photo.
It was us. The entire family. My mom, my dad, Natsu, and me. It was before our parents got divorced. Natsu was just a baby then, held by my mom, laughing at the camera. I was only five, sitting on my dad's shoulders. We were all dripping wet, as the photo had been taken on a beach trip that we had went on.

It felt like my insides were slowly tearing apart. The pain seemed to grow with each day that I didn't wake up to her breakfasts. Each day she didn't kiss me goodbye before school. Each day when she didn't smile and tell me she loved me. I wish I had told her the same. I should have said it like I meant it, which I did, instead of the vaguely annoyed and rushed way I would always say it, brushing it off. Each day I didn't wake up in my home. My home. This wasn't my home. It was my house, sure. But never my home. There was so way there could ever be a home for me withought her. Without mom.
Without mom.
Mom.

Everyday, the pain grew worse. Nawing at my insides, attacking my chest, ripping my heart. I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream untill my throat ripped. But I couldn't. I stayed silent, the tears soundlessly rushing down my face.

I set the photo down on my dresser. Before climbing into bed.

I'm tired...I'm exhausted.

I stared at the bottle of sleeping pills in my hand. I contemplated taking them. I sat on the edge of my bed, running my finger around the ridge of the lid. I looked at it, wondering.

I really should...

I was afraid to sleep. I was afraid of my own mind. I was afraid of myself.

It had been awhile since I'd slept peacefully. A week actually. The last time was when Kageyama had slept over. Since then, the nights had consisted of dark thoughts and me resisting them, lying awake and watching the glowing city surrounding me. My dad's house was located smack dab in the center of the city. Unlike the peaceful, small neighborhood where my home used to be.

The lights did help me stay awake somewhat.
Even though I had to put up with the depressing phrases of my own head, I was still able to somewhat control them. Not when I was asleep though. I knew the pills mostly guarded against dreams, but I was afraid I would over-dose and my entire schedule would fall apart. Not to mention taking care of Natsu. I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to be at the mercy of my own mind.
I didn't want to sleep.
So I didn't.

Save for the intervals of sleep I managed to get between classes. The night terrors didn't hit me as hard. It felt like my mind didn't have time to construct the gruesome and agonizing scenarios before I woke up. By this time, I was basically surviving on Coffee and the pain dwelling inside me.